Christmas morning 2010.

Good morning world. It's 5:30am on Christmas morning and I am tired and feeling a bit anxious. I guess I am trying to understand why. The last few nights I have been dreaming a lot, which I dont do very often. But only when something is really bothering me. My theory is that as we get closer to Christmas day, I am remembering the pain I went through last Christmas with Bela. Plus, the last few weeks I have been experiencing this spreading pain and tingling feelings in my arms and legs has also been making me nervous. I am worried about this. I hope it's nothing serious.
This time last year was a very bad time for me, with all the bad things happening with Bela and the breakups. It almost doesnt seem real now. She seems like a fading memory. This is probably a good thing, since a lot of those memories were very painful. I have had urges to contact her and wish her a merry christmas and maybe send her some pics of the girls. But my protective mechanisms are pulling me back to reality. I dont want to put myself through that torture again. And I dont want to upset her either in any way. At this point I just want both of us to be happy in our lives. Bela, I know you cant read this or know my thoughts, but if I could I would wish you a very merry christmas and a happy new year.
So I paused typing here for a few mins because again I got the urge to send her an email. It's a bit scary, because some of those old thoughts and feelings are coming back. The ones that used to haunt me night after night, and not let me sleep. Maybe that's why I am having all those dreams and the pains. In some ways I still cant believe that I put myself through all that pain with her... and went back for more and more. I hope I never do that to myself again.
I deserve love, happiness and respect. I'm worth it. I love me and all I have accomplished in my life. I am starting to accept that I am a good person and that I am a capable adult, someone to be respected and relied on. Someone who can give AND receive love.
I see the way I am with Luisa. I finally feel like I can be myself. She has not judged me or asked me to change and she has encouraged who I am. I feel like we are a team and that we work well together. The lines of communication are always open with her... no secrets or hidden agendas like I used to experience with Bela. What a difference to last year at this same time.
I really enjoy being with Luisa. She is so many wonderful things and I can easily see myself building a life with her. I could see myself asking her to marry me. I could see myself being really good with her son and her parents and brother. I could see Ourania and Franciska enjoying her kids too. I see so much good potential here and I am not scared about it. I cant wait for it to become a reality. It almost cant come fast enough for me. I know I have to be patient this time and not force things. Just be thankful for each day, each email, each little gift that we give each other throughout each day. I want to treasure this, the same way she calls me Tesoro which in Italian means little treasure and I call her Cara mia which mean my dear.
I could say a lot more but I want to go back to sleep now. I feel like I have vented and ready for a bit more sleep. Merry Christmas Chris. I love you.

Cant sleep again.

I was doing better and now this. It's 2:30am and I have been tossing and turning for a while. I went to sleep about 2 hours ago and now I am awake. This sucks. And I dont know why. What's causing this. I had a great night sleep yesterday and I had a really good day today. I accomplished everything I wanted to. Maybe it was all the popcorn and pop I ate and drank. Maybe it was the porn site I went to. Maybe it was all the looking I did at the Mugello race and travel info. Maybe it's from Friday night after work, I was in a bad mood. I tried the breathing technique which worked yesterday, but today it's not helping me. So maybe the writing will help me, like it did the other day. I never thought I'd experience so much insomnia. I guess it happens to people and I am human like the rest. Does this have something to do with Bela? I was expecting a note back from her, but nothing. So maybe I am upset about that. I dont know. I really shouldnt care, and part of me doesnt. But part of me does. Part of me feels guilty about Tammy and using her to get through my birthday. Did I? I tried my best not to lead her on, but it seems that somehow I did. Fuck, I really didnt want to. I just wanted someone to dance with. Maybe I just wasnt clear enough about my intentions. Maybe it's because Bela is not being clear with me and I am not satisfied with her answer of being friends and seeing what happens. Well that's always been her way: to be vague and unclear. Then again, she has said over and over again that she cannot give me what I need. Why I cant I just accept that? And move on? And let go. God, please help me. I dont know what to do. All I want is a good night's sleep and to have happiness in my heart. I know lessons need to be hard in order to learn something, but in this case I dont know what you are trying to teach me.

Not sure right now

I went out on this date last night with Kelly. She is cute and seems very sweet. I managed to talk a lot and that is not usual. Normally, I do a lot of listening and commenting on what is being said to me. So I liked that. But I just didnt feel that wow-factor.

Of course, I didnt feel that wow-factor with any of the women I've gone out with so far, since I ended it with Bela. And now I am starting to wonder if it's them or it's me.

I think about Bela so much that maybe it's just not possible right now to give any woman a fair chance. Maybe I am still in love with her and this is not a good time to be meeting new people. But I am afraid that this feeling I have for her will not go away. I have a feeling it will keep lingering for a long time to come. And what makes it linger is that I know she still loves me, but wont let us try again.

So what to do? Logically, I know I have to move on. But my thoughts and my heart are not letting me. I'm scared. When will I stop feeling this way? People make it sound so easy to just move on. To just keep living life. I can listen to inspiritional sayings and they lift me up, for a time. But then I come back down and I'm left with me again... the same guy who has all those crazy thoughts and strong feelings for Bela.

So what do I do? Do I continue dating in the hopes that I will get that feeling? That wow-factor. Or do I take a break from it and re-charge my batteries? Let's face it, I've been dating ever since I moved out of my bedroom with Kia. I've gone from woman to woman to woman, non-stop. And none of them has worked out. Why? Because I ended it with almost all of them after a few months. I got my thrill and sex out of them and then ended it.

But with Bela, I gave her my whole life. I gave her my body and my heart. I gave her my thoughts and my kids. I gave her things that I never gave anyone else. It's no wonder I feel this way. How do you give someone so much and then let go? How do you move on when you dont want to move on, even though it makes total sense to do so.

Is being by myself the answer? I'm scared to be by myself. It's a very lonely feeling and I feel anxious when I am. The things I used to enjoy just dont have the same fulfillment for me. I'll do them, but it's just not the same. I guess I really have no choice, though. Maybe it's just a matter of living life each day and one day I'll break through and start having those feelings again.

For now, I just want to even have simple things like a good night's sleep and feeling refreshed when I wake up. And going to the gym on a regular basis. And feeling inspired when I am at work. And enjoy my time with the kids when they are with me. Or feel relaxed when I am watching a movie. These are the simple things that today elude me. How am I supposed to enjoy life and any of my dates if I cannot even enjoy these things?

~Chris.

Closure

So here I am, lying in bed after breaking up with Bela, yet again. This time was very different, though. Previously, I broke up with her out of blind rage. There was no discussion, just reaction. This time, I was determined to talk it through with her. And I did. And at the end, I could see the look in her eyes that told me how she was really feeling. She didnt have to tell me anything... I knew it was over.

Then again, I knew it was over a while ago... I was just too scared to be by myself and I also felt bad for the impulsive, angry way I ended it before. I felt like this was my chance at a do-over... I really wanted to have this talk with her before. But we just avoided it. We avoided the inevitable, maybe to avoid the pain of saying good bye and the fear of being alone... and the fear of the unkown.

I'm not feeling much emotion, at the moment, as I did before. I am scared about not being able to sleep, like I have been lately. I'll say my prayers and deal with whatever happens next. God, please take mercy on my soul. I really hope I handled things well, this time. Did I?

This wasnt going to get any better. It was so obvious it was going to get worse. We are good together in some ways, but then bad together in other ways... ways too important to ignore and sober up to the realities of. Sometimes things are inexplicable and we try to fight them, like we think that if we just put the effort in, we can make it into something we so desparately want or need. We were never going to be what each other needed. In that way, she is right... we cannot be something that we are not.

She said that I was too needy. I know I can be. I know I need re-assurance and my ego stroked occasionally. Dont we all need that, sometimes? Like she said, she is not that type of person to sugarcoat. She is rough and realistic and I am an overly-sensitive dreamer. That is definitely not a good match. I need someone a little more soothing and gentle. I always felt like I had to have my guard up with her, and that is not good. When my guard is up, I get more defensive. How can I accommodate you if you cannot accommodate me?

She said that no matter what woman I go out with, there will always be obstacles. It wont matter if she has kids, has no kids, has younger kids or adult kids. I agree, in that sense. But where we differ is that she has a take it or leave it attitude and I dont. To her, there is no such thing as compromise. You either accept the person as-is, or you dont. For me, couples need to be able to work on things. A successful partnership is hard-work... it takes teamwork. It means both sides accommodate and be flexible. It means you try to understand each other and make adjustments, when that understanding is in place. I could never understand why she just couldnt tell me the problems she had with me. Now I do.

Maybe I am a dreamer. But at least I am willing to try. I said to her that the guy she once told me about is out there. She once told me that she never got that guy because she never put it out into the universe, that she wanted it. Well when I asked her about that again today, she said she would never get it. So to me that means she is going to settle for me, since she cant get what she really wants. That means she'll never really be happy with me. And if she's not really happy with me, she wont put in the effort.

And you know what, I've been seeing that lack of effort from her towards me for the last couple of months. It was so obvious. The first few months, we talked on the phone a few times a day. There were lots of emails. We saw each other a regular basis. We slept over at each other's homes. That wasnt a dream. I remember it all very clearly. And I missed it terribly. I still do. The sad thing is I dont think I'll ever experience that again with her, even if we stayed together.

It wasnt right for us to continue on this way. We had a hard time letting go, she and I, because we do love each other. The emotions got the better of us. And why not. We both gave it 100% right from the very start. We threw everything we had it. We both rushed it, but hey, that's our style. We both got carried away by the thrill of the moment. We both felt that euphoria and wanted it to be right, so badly.

This is shame that it didnt work out. We had a chemistry that was cosmic. When we made love, it's like we were on another planet. God, I really hope I can experience this again with someone else.

Thank you Bela, for coming into my life and loving me so much. For teaching me things I use in my daily life. Thank you for being patient with me, when I didnt deserve your extra chances. There is much about you I dont like and many things that happened that displeased me and I wont forget those either.

Good bye, for now.

Chris.

It's done.

Here is a letter I posted on eHarmony advice on Dec 26, 2009.

I wanted to close the loop on this post by providing an update.

Last night, I ended it with her.

We were supposed to get together yesterday for Xmas. I waited all day for her to call me back to tell me what time she was coming over. I sent her emails and left her a voice message throughout the day, with no response. I talked briefly to her around 1pm and asked her what time we'd see each other and she said she'd call me back to let me know. At 4:30pm, I tried calling and got voicemail. There were no responses to my emails and so I finally got frustrated/mad and gave up.

At 5:30 she called me and said she's gonna take a quick shower and then come over. At that point I was really upset and said I didnt want to see her. I felt like I was being used for her own convenience and told her as much. I am not going to be at someone's beckon call, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

So I said my goodnight and hung up. I decided to just leave it at that and really think about things. After a couple of hours, she sends me an email telling me that she had made plans with her friends to go out on Saturday night and that she'd like to come over to have sex during the day. I was furious. I had told her that I didnt have my kids this weekend and she makes plans with her friends on Saturday night? And then just needs to use me for sex? I said no to that, too. I want more than to be a convenient 'lay'.

That was the last straw.

So I told her that we were "missing" each other... like we werent on the same page. I told her that I wasnt happy and that I hadnt been for some time. And that it wasnt fair for us to keep coming back to this same argument. I told her that she had her neat and tidy life exactly the way she wanted it, and I was there to fill in the gaps. That I was nothing more than a convenience to her. To which she agreed she was selfish, in that regard.

And I told her that she was just being herself and going after what she wanted and made her happy. And I was trying to do the same. But it was obvious that what we wanted were two different things. And that's ok. Over time with a person, you get to learn these things. And I told her that I really loved her, but that sometimes love just isnt enough. It has to make sense, too. And it just wasnt making sense anymore.

I realized finally that I was becoming a small, interchangeable piece of her puzzle. One that she could put in, take out and move around at her leisure and convenience. For me, she was a big piece of my puzzle that I was trying desperately to fit in and keep in. And when the piece was pulled out without warning and with no sense of when it was going to be put back in or in what form, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my puzzle. And that stressed me to the max.

So now I understand that we wanted two very different things from a relationship. It's hard to accept, though. It hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

I will definitely take a piece of her with me.

And just one bit of information on the NYE-thing. I told her again how much it bugged me about us not being together on NYE. To which she told me that I'd be happy to know that she was probably going to stay home that night. I guess her friend had let her down about going out with her. I really felt sorry for her, but I just shook my head. She made her decision to not be with me on NYE and that really hurt me. It's ironic how that turned out.

Anyhow, I had a really rough night of it. I tried to distract myself with tv and reading, but it was no use. I just lay in bed... with a million thoughts going through my head. Going to sleep was difficult and I woke up just before 5am. All I could think about was her. Thankfully my kids arent here this weekend. I need some alone time.

You know, I thought I'd be more upset. I thought I was going to be crushed and really emotional. I suppose that could still happen. But in a small way, I feel lighter and a bit relieved. I know I am going to grieve over this, though I dont know for how long. And I know I am going to feel lonely and confused. I just have to go through it and survive, and eventually I'll be ok.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my notes and to offer your thoughts, opinions and advice. You opened my mind up to new ways of thinking about the situation and it really did help me to make my decision.

Good luck to you all and have a wonderful 2010.

Chris.

Dont know what to do.

Or maybe I do know, but I'm scared to do it.

I got her that XMas present because I wanted to see her in that outfit. I wanted to use those things on her and I wanted her to use them on me. She said to me in an email that she wanted to explore our kinky sides. I thought that getting these things would help us to do that. And it's not the typical, everyday thing. I thought she would appreciate getting something really out of the ordinary.

Was I selfish? Should I have gotten her that ring or that locket I saw? I remember how I felt when I was buying it at the store. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I was thinking too much about what would make me happy, instead of what would make her happy. I like going to that store, but she doesnt.

I'd like to keep it and use them with her. I was really looking forward to it and I got the sense that she was excited about it, too. But not as a XMas present. I made a mistake and it's hard to accept. Especially since she told me to take it all back. That hurt.

I really miss those days of sleeping at each other's places. I remember how I felt, how happy and excited I was about life. I remember feeling like I had this great woman taking care of me, in the morning... making me breakfast and a tea, to go. I felt like I had a loving wife sending me off to work. I never had that with Kia, so when I got that from Bela, I was very happy. But will I get that, again?

I havent had that for a long time. Since her daughter and mother came are living with her, things have really changed. We havent had sex at her place for a long time. I dont even remember the last time. And I havent slept there since September, when Sofia came home. Her mom will leave soon, but her daughter will still be there. And now that her boyfirend is here, there's even less privacy. And how come he can sleep over, but I cant?

I want it to be like it was back then, but it cant be. And it's obvious she doesnt like sleeping over here, anymore. Funny, even though she didnt sleep so well and had to fight the traffic back then, she seemed to be ok with it. Now, she doesnt want to. I miss having someone lying beside me, when I wake up. It doesnt have to be all the time, but sometimes it's nice.

I am ok with the distance between us. I have gotten used to the drive and the 407 charges. And when the winter and snow comes, it'll be harder, but that wont stop me. Unless it's a terrible snowstorm, that's different. Bela is making it sound like I am going to see her even less, with the bad weather coming. And she mentioned how she doent like the traffic or 407 charges. I cant say I blame her. I dont like them either. Maybe we are just too far apart, to make it practical.

If we lived closer to each other, then it would be a lot easier. I've even thought about moving closer to her. Buying a condo down at DVP and Eglinton. But I am happy where I am. It works for me. And it's the same for her. She is happy where she is and I dont see her wanting to move. So neither if us wants to move. We both want to stay where we are, which is too far apart. But it wouldnt be so bad if we could sleep over now and again. But how can I be happy knowing she'll be exhausted the next morning? And knowing that she has to fight that insane traffic into the city. It's not fair to her. She's needs to be sleeping in her own bed... in her own place, right above her salon. It doesnt get any better than that for her. And she definitely needs her own space.

And when I come home from her place after 11pm, then I am too tired too go to the gym the next morning. She makes it really hard for me to leave. I can tell she really wants me to stay a little longer.

Log update Nov 5

Well, Bela and I had are first real blow-out. Our voices were raised and we were almost yelling at each other. No matter what we said to each other, neither of us would budge from our positions. Tell you the truth, I am not so sure if that is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I think it's bad because we are going to butt heads a lot. On the other hand, is butting heads a bad thing? I mean, marriage takes teamwork. It means working together.

Ok, so what does working together mean? It doesnt automatically mean 'bliss', does it? During our heated conversation/fight, we didnt say mean things to each other. Yes, we raised our voices, but it never escalated to the point where we were using foul language or calling each other disrespectful names. But shouldnt working together also means that there is room for compromise?

Like I asked her to be a little more considerate with how she talks to me, is that asking too much? At that point, could she not make a small concession for me? Why does it have to turn into a fight? Dont kid yourself, it's always going to be like that. It's her style. She wont back down and she hates to lose. However, I am noticing that she does take what I say to heart, even if in the moment she comes across as defensive when I first bring it up. It's a natural reaction for her. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing... you know, fight or flight.

I just realized, I am more flight and she is more fight. But last night was more where were both fighting. So I guess I adapted to the situation and to her style. That's me, the chameleon. I just blend in.

So now I ask myself, what now? Well, I gave myself these mantra's:
1. Be patient - well, I guess I should let the dust settle on all this and give this some more time. I am a little skepticle, but I should give her a chance. Time will tell how she actually responds to my request of not being so rough with me.
2. Be kind - funny, I had to look up this word. But it means: "of a good nature or disposition" & "indulgent, considerate, or helpful" & "mild; gentle"... ok, so I just sent my Bela loving, happy note this morning and I am indulging her desire for me to be a less sensitive.
3. Be ok on my own - truthfully, the thought of losing Bela was partly driven by the thought of being alone. And that I didnt want to start this whole dating process all over again. I am tired of it. And each new woman I meet starts off the same, with being great and then the problems start coming out. First it was Franca, then it was Eniko, then Verica, then Siobhan, then, etc, etc. So am I seeing this? Even if I were to end it with Bela and start anew with someone else, a few months down the road I'd be in this situation again. Chris, NO ONE is perfect. There is always going to be something that pisses you off about them. You know, I was so supremely patient with Kia, and hung on for dear life, even after all those crappy things that happened between us. So maybe I hung on too long and let it go too far. I should have cut it off sooner. But now I think I am overly-sensitive because I am over-compensating for that. So it's like the pendulum has swung the other way. So every little thing that bugs me is causing me to run-for-the-hills. So it's ok to be on my own, and I should have realized that a lot sooner with Kia. Maybe I wouldnt be so sensitive now.
4. Let go of the past - this is very difficult to do. But further to what I said above, I cannot let my experience of hanging on too long with Kia now make it impossible for me to find true love and happiness ever again. Otherwise, I am just going to repeat this pattern of meeting and losing good women.
5. Being open to change - I have to do this. I cant keep internalizing, so when something comes up that bugs me, then just say something... in the moment. Dont be afraid if what you say doesnt come out perfectly. With time and practice, you will get better at it.
6. Accept the unknown - I dont know how she is going to be tomorrow, next week, next year or 30 years from now. I just have no idea of what's around the bend, for me or for us. So I guess all I can really do is to just live one day at a time. Live in the moment. Seize the day. Like for example, I should just book these tickets to Paris. I dont know if we'll be together then, but we are together now and I assume we will be together then. And if we arent, so be it. She is a decent person. I'm sure we'd work something out.