Christmas morning 2010.

Good morning world. It's 5:30am on Christmas morning and I am tired and feeling a bit anxious. I guess I am trying to understand why. The last few nights I have been dreaming a lot, which I dont do very often. But only when something is really bothering me. My theory is that as we get closer to Christmas day, I am remembering the pain I went through last Christmas with Bela. Plus, the last few weeks I have been experiencing this spreading pain and tingling feelings in my arms and legs has also been making me nervous. I am worried about this. I hope it's nothing serious.
This time last year was a very bad time for me, with all the bad things happening with Bela and the breakups. It almost doesnt seem real now. She seems like a fading memory. This is probably a good thing, since a lot of those memories were very painful. I have had urges to contact her and wish her a merry christmas and maybe send her some pics of the girls. But my protective mechanisms are pulling me back to reality. I dont want to put myself through that torture again. And I dont want to upset her either in any way. At this point I just want both of us to be happy in our lives. Bela, I know you cant read this or know my thoughts, but if I could I would wish you a very merry christmas and a happy new year.
So I paused typing here for a few mins because again I got the urge to send her an email. It's a bit scary, because some of those old thoughts and feelings are coming back. The ones that used to haunt me night after night, and not let me sleep. Maybe that's why I am having all those dreams and the pains. In some ways I still cant believe that I put myself through all that pain with her... and went back for more and more. I hope I never do that to myself again.
I deserve love, happiness and respect. I'm worth it. I love me and all I have accomplished in my life. I am starting to accept that I am a good person and that I am a capable adult, someone to be respected and relied on. Someone who can give AND receive love.
I see the way I am with Luisa. I finally feel like I can be myself. She has not judged me or asked me to change and she has encouraged who I am. I feel like we are a team and that we work well together. The lines of communication are always open with her... no secrets or hidden agendas like I used to experience with Bela. What a difference to last year at this same time.
I really enjoy being with Luisa. She is so many wonderful things and I can easily see myself building a life with her. I could see myself asking her to marry me. I could see myself being really good with her son and her parents and brother. I could see Ourania and Franciska enjoying her kids too. I see so much good potential here and I am not scared about it. I cant wait for it to become a reality. It almost cant come fast enough for me. I know I have to be patient this time and not force things. Just be thankful for each day, each email, each little gift that we give each other throughout each day. I want to treasure this, the same way she calls me Tesoro which in Italian means little treasure and I call her Cara mia which mean my dear.
I could say a lot more but I want to go back to sleep now. I feel like I have vented and ready for a bit more sleep. Merry Christmas Chris. I love you.

Cant sleep again.

I was doing better and now this. It's 2:30am and I have been tossing and turning for a while. I went to sleep about 2 hours ago and now I am awake. This sucks. And I dont know why. What's causing this. I had a great night sleep yesterday and I had a really good day today. I accomplished everything I wanted to. Maybe it was all the popcorn and pop I ate and drank. Maybe it was the porn site I went to. Maybe it was all the looking I did at the Mugello race and travel info. Maybe it's from Friday night after work, I was in a bad mood. I tried the breathing technique which worked yesterday, but today it's not helping me. So maybe the writing will help me, like it did the other day. I never thought I'd experience so much insomnia. I guess it happens to people and I am human like the rest. Does this have something to do with Bela? I was expecting a note back from her, but nothing. So maybe I am upset about that. I dont know. I really shouldnt care, and part of me doesnt. But part of me does. Part of me feels guilty about Tammy and using her to get through my birthday. Did I? I tried my best not to lead her on, but it seems that somehow I did. Fuck, I really didnt want to. I just wanted someone to dance with. Maybe I just wasnt clear enough about my intentions. Maybe it's because Bela is not being clear with me and I am not satisfied with her answer of being friends and seeing what happens. Well that's always been her way: to be vague and unclear. Then again, she has said over and over again that she cannot give me what I need. Why I cant I just accept that? And move on? And let go. God, please help me. I dont know what to do. All I want is a good night's sleep and to have happiness in my heart. I know lessons need to be hard in order to learn something, but in this case I dont know what you are trying to teach me.

Not sure right now

I went out on this date last night with Kelly. She is cute and seems very sweet. I managed to talk a lot and that is not usual. Normally, I do a lot of listening and commenting on what is being said to me. So I liked that. But I just didnt feel that wow-factor.

Of course, I didnt feel that wow-factor with any of the women I've gone out with so far, since I ended it with Bela. And now I am starting to wonder if it's them or it's me.

I think about Bela so much that maybe it's just not possible right now to give any woman a fair chance. Maybe I am still in love with her and this is not a good time to be meeting new people. But I am afraid that this feeling I have for her will not go away. I have a feeling it will keep lingering for a long time to come. And what makes it linger is that I know she still loves me, but wont let us try again.

So what to do? Logically, I know I have to move on. But my thoughts and my heart are not letting me. I'm scared. When will I stop feeling this way? People make it sound so easy to just move on. To just keep living life. I can listen to inspiritional sayings and they lift me up, for a time. But then I come back down and I'm left with me again... the same guy who has all those crazy thoughts and strong feelings for Bela.

So what do I do? Do I continue dating in the hopes that I will get that feeling? That wow-factor. Or do I take a break from it and re-charge my batteries? Let's face it, I've been dating ever since I moved out of my bedroom with Kia. I've gone from woman to woman to woman, non-stop. And none of them has worked out. Why? Because I ended it with almost all of them after a few months. I got my thrill and sex out of them and then ended it.

But with Bela, I gave her my whole life. I gave her my body and my heart. I gave her my thoughts and my kids. I gave her things that I never gave anyone else. It's no wonder I feel this way. How do you give someone so much and then let go? How do you move on when you dont want to move on, even though it makes total sense to do so.

Is being by myself the answer? I'm scared to be by myself. It's a very lonely feeling and I feel anxious when I am. The things I used to enjoy just dont have the same fulfillment for me. I'll do them, but it's just not the same. I guess I really have no choice, though. Maybe it's just a matter of living life each day and one day I'll break through and start having those feelings again.

For now, I just want to even have simple things like a good night's sleep and feeling refreshed when I wake up. And going to the gym on a regular basis. And feeling inspired when I am at work. And enjoy my time with the kids when they are with me. Or feel relaxed when I am watching a movie. These are the simple things that today elude me. How am I supposed to enjoy life and any of my dates if I cannot even enjoy these things?

~Chris.

Closure

So here I am, lying in bed after breaking up with Bela, yet again. This time was very different, though. Previously, I broke up with her out of blind rage. There was no discussion, just reaction. This time, I was determined to talk it through with her. And I did. And at the end, I could see the look in her eyes that told me how she was really feeling. She didnt have to tell me anything... I knew it was over.

Then again, I knew it was over a while ago... I was just too scared to be by myself and I also felt bad for the impulsive, angry way I ended it before. I felt like this was my chance at a do-over... I really wanted to have this talk with her before. But we just avoided it. We avoided the inevitable, maybe to avoid the pain of saying good bye and the fear of being alone... and the fear of the unkown.

I'm not feeling much emotion, at the moment, as I did before. I am scared about not being able to sleep, like I have been lately. I'll say my prayers and deal with whatever happens next. God, please take mercy on my soul. I really hope I handled things well, this time. Did I?

This wasnt going to get any better. It was so obvious it was going to get worse. We are good together in some ways, but then bad together in other ways... ways too important to ignore and sober up to the realities of. Sometimes things are inexplicable and we try to fight them, like we think that if we just put the effort in, we can make it into something we so desparately want or need. We were never going to be what each other needed. In that way, she is right... we cannot be something that we are not.

She said that I was too needy. I know I can be. I know I need re-assurance and my ego stroked occasionally. Dont we all need that, sometimes? Like she said, she is not that type of person to sugarcoat. She is rough and realistic and I am an overly-sensitive dreamer. That is definitely not a good match. I need someone a little more soothing and gentle. I always felt like I had to have my guard up with her, and that is not good. When my guard is up, I get more defensive. How can I accommodate you if you cannot accommodate me?

She said that no matter what woman I go out with, there will always be obstacles. It wont matter if she has kids, has no kids, has younger kids or adult kids. I agree, in that sense. But where we differ is that she has a take it or leave it attitude and I dont. To her, there is no such thing as compromise. You either accept the person as-is, or you dont. For me, couples need to be able to work on things. A successful partnership is hard-work... it takes teamwork. It means both sides accommodate and be flexible. It means you try to understand each other and make adjustments, when that understanding is in place. I could never understand why she just couldnt tell me the problems she had with me. Now I do.

Maybe I am a dreamer. But at least I am willing to try. I said to her that the guy she once told me about is out there. She once told me that she never got that guy because she never put it out into the universe, that she wanted it. Well when I asked her about that again today, she said she would never get it. So to me that means she is going to settle for me, since she cant get what she really wants. That means she'll never really be happy with me. And if she's not really happy with me, she wont put in the effort.

And you know what, I've been seeing that lack of effort from her towards me for the last couple of months. It was so obvious. The first few months, we talked on the phone a few times a day. There were lots of emails. We saw each other a regular basis. We slept over at each other's homes. That wasnt a dream. I remember it all very clearly. And I missed it terribly. I still do. The sad thing is I dont think I'll ever experience that again with her, even if we stayed together.

It wasnt right for us to continue on this way. We had a hard time letting go, she and I, because we do love each other. The emotions got the better of us. And why not. We both gave it 100% right from the very start. We threw everything we had it. We both rushed it, but hey, that's our style. We both got carried away by the thrill of the moment. We both felt that euphoria and wanted it to be right, so badly.

This is shame that it didnt work out. We had a chemistry that was cosmic. When we made love, it's like we were on another planet. God, I really hope I can experience this again with someone else.

Thank you Bela, for coming into my life and loving me so much. For teaching me things I use in my daily life. Thank you for being patient with me, when I didnt deserve your extra chances. There is much about you I dont like and many things that happened that displeased me and I wont forget those either.

Good bye, for now.

Chris.