My Bela

I am not sure where to begin.

This ride I have been on with Bela has been a world-wind experience. I didnt think I would fall in love this hard again. Going back over previous posts, I am reminded of moments in time with other women, that were both good and bad. Like reading about what happened with Nicki, I was reminded of how bad I felt and how I needed to take my time with a woman.

I promised myself that I would be more controlled, but am I doing that with Bela? No. There is nothing controlled about us. We both just go for it. We both have been hurt and potentially jaded by our experiences, in the past. But yet, we go back for more. We dont let these experiences from jading us to the point where we cant fully enjoy life and be open to new and wonderful experiences. So I think we are on the same page, in that sense.

Although, I am concerned that she is still a bit stung by her last relationship with George. I dont really care about what he did, but I can tell that she has healing wounds from that. I hope that she is using me to help heal those wounds, like being on the rebound. If she was, I dont think she is doing it maliciously. It might just be that she is conciously aware of what she is doing. She did mention a couple of times that put pictures of us on High5 (?) so that her ex could see them, like telling him to leave her alone.

Based on her experiences, it seems like she wants to be in the long-term, committed relationships. Well, all except her marriage. That didnt last very long, but she did have a kid with the guy, so that is a pretty big committment. And there was Carlos and George, both of whom she moved in with and lived for several years each. At least I like the way she doesnt give up so easily, like Kia did.

Well, that's not totally true. Kia was with me for 10 years and we did everything a couple could possibly do to make their marriage work. Maybe we tried too hard. Like I heard that line in that old movie the other day: love has to stop short of suicide.

But did we? Yes, were together for a long time, but that doesnt mean we tried hard to make it happy or work. Yes, we did the things that are expected of a married couple, like engagements, weddings, buying houses, having kids, doing the chores, attending family functions, etc. But did we ever really try at our relationship? Did we ever truly 'love' each other? It all seemed so mechanical and we did what was expected of us. What kind of a relationship is that? We followed the rules, but there was no love.

I'm inclined to say 'fuck the rules.' Just do whatever makes you happy in the moment. And if other people dont like that, too bad. Of course, a little bit of common sense and due dilligence are important for me. I have to have some balance between love and logic. Like I just cant pretend that something isnt bugging me or that I want to achieve things in life, and that person wont take me there.

That's what happened with Kia. I knew that I had achieved everything I was going to achieve together with her. I knew that if I stayed longer, I would lose everything I had achieved and that it would be downhill, from there. So I had to cut my losses for the sake of brighter future.

And that is what I want: a brighter future. I want a 'real' partner. Someone I can work with and talk things through. Someone who is not just going to railroad me and force things through on me, like Kia did. And that is what I feel I am getting from Bela. We can talk things through. We can work together and come to an agreement and be happy with it. I feel equal to her in this relationship. I wonder if she feels that way? Well, here is what she said in her last email to me:

"I love you even more for being so considerate about my feeling, you did notice that I was a bit stressed about that right? You notice these things and you try to help, I really appreciate that."

I guess that answers my question. See, this is the type of logic I like to use and it makes me feel better about us. And I feel more confident that what we have is real and can make me happy not just now, in the moment, but also in the long-run. I have certain needs in a relationship, like there has to be communication... for good or bad. But there has to be communincation. She is better in the moment with her feelings, than I am. When something is bugging her, she'll tell you in a controlled way. Me, I will internalize my feelings and let them 'bake', until they become more obvious to me.

So in this case, we are different in our approaches to dealing with our feelings. Is that bad or good? Will being opposite this way be a problem for us, in the future? Using this as an example, it turned out well. She said she was stressed last night. In that moment, I said we would find a way to work it out, because I didnt want to feel pain or discomfort. I just wanted to have fun last night and wash the cares of the world away. I know how her mind works: she did stress about it and wanted to talk about to resolve it, but when she saw that I didnt want to, she pushed her needs aside and had a good time, regardless. It's like she took a chance to trust me. And then I internalized, worked out what was good for me and then told her what I was thinking. I didnt want to leave her hanging, because I love her too much to stress like that. And the end result is that she is happy that I was attuned to her feelings and that I was willing to make a change to make her happy. So now we are both happy with outcome.

Ok, that is all I can type for now. There is more I could type, but I am tired and I'd like ask her some questions, so I can know what she is thinking about things, too.

Definitely, to be continued...

Chris.