Log update Nov 5

Well, Bela and I had are first real blow-out. Our voices were raised and we were almost yelling at each other. No matter what we said to each other, neither of us would budge from our positions. Tell you the truth, I am not so sure if that is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I think it's bad because we are going to butt heads a lot. On the other hand, is butting heads a bad thing? I mean, marriage takes teamwork. It means working together.

Ok, so what does working together mean? It doesnt automatically mean 'bliss', does it? During our heated conversation/fight, we didnt say mean things to each other. Yes, we raised our voices, but it never escalated to the point where we were using foul language or calling each other disrespectful names. But shouldnt working together also means that there is room for compromise?

Like I asked her to be a little more considerate with how she talks to me, is that asking too much? At that point, could she not make a small concession for me? Why does it have to turn into a fight? Dont kid yourself, it's always going to be like that. It's her style. She wont back down and she hates to lose. However, I am noticing that she does take what I say to heart, even if in the moment she comes across as defensive when I first bring it up. It's a natural reaction for her. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing... you know, fight or flight.

I just realized, I am more flight and she is more fight. But last night was more where were both fighting. So I guess I adapted to the situation and to her style. That's me, the chameleon. I just blend in.

So now I ask myself, what now? Well, I gave myself these mantra's:
1. Be patient - well, I guess I should let the dust settle on all this and give this some more time. I am a little skepticle, but I should give her a chance. Time will tell how she actually responds to my request of not being so rough with me.
2. Be kind - funny, I had to look up this word. But it means: "of a good nature or disposition" & "indulgent, considerate, or helpful" & "mild; gentle"... ok, so I just sent my Bela loving, happy note this morning and I am indulging her desire for me to be a less sensitive.
3. Be ok on my own - truthfully, the thought of losing Bela was partly driven by the thought of being alone. And that I didnt want to start this whole dating process all over again. I am tired of it. And each new woman I meet starts off the same, with being great and then the problems start coming out. First it was Franca, then it was Eniko, then Verica, then Siobhan, then, etc, etc. So am I seeing this? Even if I were to end it with Bela and start anew with someone else, a few months down the road I'd be in this situation again. Chris, NO ONE is perfect. There is always going to be something that pisses you off about them. You know, I was so supremely patient with Kia, and hung on for dear life, even after all those crappy things that happened between us. So maybe I hung on too long and let it go too far. I should have cut it off sooner. But now I think I am overly-sensitive because I am over-compensating for that. So it's like the pendulum has swung the other way. So every little thing that bugs me is causing me to run-for-the-hills. So it's ok to be on my own, and I should have realized that a lot sooner with Kia. Maybe I wouldnt be so sensitive now.
4. Let go of the past - this is very difficult to do. But further to what I said above, I cannot let my experience of hanging on too long with Kia now make it impossible for me to find true love and happiness ever again. Otherwise, I am just going to repeat this pattern of meeting and losing good women.
5. Being open to change - I have to do this. I cant keep internalizing, so when something comes up that bugs me, then just say something... in the moment. Dont be afraid if what you say doesnt come out perfectly. With time and practice, you will get better at it.
6. Accept the unknown - I dont know how she is going to be tomorrow, next week, next year or 30 years from now. I just have no idea of what's around the bend, for me or for us. So I guess all I can really do is to just live one day at a time. Live in the moment. Seize the day. Like for example, I should just book these tickets to Paris. I dont know if we'll be together then, but we are together now and I assume we will be together then. And if we arent, so be it. She is a decent person. I'm sure we'd work something out.