It's done.

Here is a letter I posted on eHarmony advice on Dec 26, 2009.

I wanted to close the loop on this post by providing an update.

Last night, I ended it with her.

We were supposed to get together yesterday for Xmas. I waited all day for her to call me back to tell me what time she was coming over. I sent her emails and left her a voice message throughout the day, with no response. I talked briefly to her around 1pm and asked her what time we'd see each other and she said she'd call me back to let me know. At 4:30pm, I tried calling and got voicemail. There were no responses to my emails and so I finally got frustrated/mad and gave up.

At 5:30 she called me and said she's gonna take a quick shower and then come over. At that point I was really upset and said I didnt want to see her. I felt like I was being used for her own convenience and told her as much. I am not going to be at someone's beckon call, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

So I said my goodnight and hung up. I decided to just leave it at that and really think about things. After a couple of hours, she sends me an email telling me that she had made plans with her friends to go out on Saturday night and that she'd like to come over to have sex during the day. I was furious. I had told her that I didnt have my kids this weekend and she makes plans with her friends on Saturday night? And then just needs to use me for sex? I said no to that, too. I want more than to be a convenient 'lay'.

That was the last straw.

So I told her that we were "missing" each other... like we werent on the same page. I told her that I wasnt happy and that I hadnt been for some time. And that it wasnt fair for us to keep coming back to this same argument. I told her that she had her neat and tidy life exactly the way she wanted it, and I was there to fill in the gaps. That I was nothing more than a convenience to her. To which she agreed she was selfish, in that regard.

And I told her that she was just being herself and going after what she wanted and made her happy. And I was trying to do the same. But it was obvious that what we wanted were two different things. And that's ok. Over time with a person, you get to learn these things. And I told her that I really loved her, but that sometimes love just isnt enough. It has to make sense, too. And it just wasnt making sense anymore.

I realized finally that I was becoming a small, interchangeable piece of her puzzle. One that she could put in, take out and move around at her leisure and convenience. For me, she was a big piece of my puzzle that I was trying desperately to fit in and keep in. And when the piece was pulled out without warning and with no sense of when it was going to be put back in or in what form, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my puzzle. And that stressed me to the max.

So now I understand that we wanted two very different things from a relationship. It's hard to accept, though. It hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

I will definitely take a piece of her with me.

And just one bit of information on the NYE-thing. I told her again how much it bugged me about us not being together on NYE. To which she told me that I'd be happy to know that she was probably going to stay home that night. I guess her friend had let her down about going out with her. I really felt sorry for her, but I just shook my head. She made her decision to not be with me on NYE and that really hurt me. It's ironic how that turned out.

Anyhow, I had a really rough night of it. I tried to distract myself with tv and reading, but it was no use. I just lay in bed... with a million thoughts going through my head. Going to sleep was difficult and I woke up just before 5am. All I could think about was her. Thankfully my kids arent here this weekend. I need some alone time.

You know, I thought I'd be more upset. I thought I was going to be crushed and really emotional. I suppose that could still happen. But in a small way, I feel lighter and a bit relieved. I know I am going to grieve over this, though I dont know for how long. And I know I am going to feel lonely and confused. I just have to go through it and survive, and eventually I'll be ok.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my notes and to offer your thoughts, opinions and advice. You opened my mind up to new ways of thinking about the situation and it really did help me to make my decision.

Good luck to you all and have a wonderful 2010.

Chris.