A bit in the dumps this morning.

I feel like I have a sign on my head that says: "please dump on me." I'm getting tired of people criticizing me and making me feel guilty. And what I dont understand is why I take it. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve to be loved. Sometimes it feels more 'natural' to be receive pain.

Yesterday, when Joe called on the phone, I tried to make him feel guilty for not calling me sooner. Usually, he does that to me when he calls me. I was trying to do it to him, before he did it to me. And that is soooo not like me. I hate being like that.

When I was at work yesterday and I had my review with my manager, we talked about people's perception of me. How some people dont want to work with me, because I am defensive and how I need to make myself better, so that I can move up to higher positions. Shit, they're not any better.

And when I am trying to perform at work, I have Kia pressuring me directly, and through the kids, to get her way. Yelling at me, talking down to me, fuck, makes me mad.

Is it possible to not expose myself to that? Or is just part of the human condition. Little by little, each day, someone is chipping away at my psyche. It's so insidious. Without realizing it, I'm in a situation where I'm being dumped on.

I dont want to seem hard, or closed, but on the other hand, I dont want to be the world's doormat. I dont want to be the patient that needs to be psycho-analysed.

I want to pull myself out of this funk, cuz I want to be happy. I just have to get through this. Pain is our greatest teacher. You see, if I believe that, then that means the only way I am going to learn is to receive painful experiences.

Maybe that's what I need to change. Look for experiences of love and happiness.