Christmas morning 2010.

Good morning world. It's 5:30am on Christmas morning and I am tired and feeling a bit anxious. I guess I am trying to understand why. The last few nights I have been dreaming a lot, which I dont do very often. But only when something is really bothering me. My theory is that as we get closer to Christmas day, I am remembering the pain I went through last Christmas with Bela. Plus, the last few weeks I have been experiencing this spreading pain and tingling feelings in my arms and legs has also been making me nervous. I am worried about this. I hope it's nothing serious.
This time last year was a very bad time for me, with all the bad things happening with Bela and the breakups. It almost doesnt seem real now. She seems like a fading memory. This is probably a good thing, since a lot of those memories were very painful. I have had urges to contact her and wish her a merry christmas and maybe send her some pics of the girls. But my protective mechanisms are pulling me back to reality. I dont want to put myself through that torture again. And I dont want to upset her either in any way. At this point I just want both of us to be happy in our lives. Bela, I know you cant read this or know my thoughts, but if I could I would wish you a very merry christmas and a happy new year.
So I paused typing here for a few mins because again I got the urge to send her an email. It's a bit scary, because some of those old thoughts and feelings are coming back. The ones that used to haunt me night after night, and not let me sleep. Maybe that's why I am having all those dreams and the pains. In some ways I still cant believe that I put myself through all that pain with her... and went back for more and more. I hope I never do that to myself again.
I deserve love, happiness and respect. I'm worth it. I love me and all I have accomplished in my life. I am starting to accept that I am a good person and that I am a capable adult, someone to be respected and relied on. Someone who can give AND receive love.
I see the way I am with Luisa. I finally feel like I can be myself. She has not judged me or asked me to change and she has encouraged who I am. I feel like we are a team and that we work well together. The lines of communication are always open with her... no secrets or hidden agendas like I used to experience with Bela. What a difference to last year at this same time.
I really enjoy being with Luisa. She is so many wonderful things and I can easily see myself building a life with her. I could see myself asking her to marry me. I could see myself being really good with her son and her parents and brother. I could see Ourania and Franciska enjoying her kids too. I see so much good potential here and I am not scared about it. I cant wait for it to become a reality. It almost cant come fast enough for me. I know I have to be patient this time and not force things. Just be thankful for each day, each email, each little gift that we give each other throughout each day. I want to treasure this, the same way she calls me Tesoro which in Italian means little treasure and I call her Cara mia which mean my dear.
I could say a lot more but I want to go back to sleep now. I feel like I have vented and ready for a bit more sleep. Merry Christmas Chris. I love you.