I'm making it.

Well, today was tough for me. I felt this terrible knot inside my chest. It was a mixture of dread, fear, excitement and regret. It is directly linked to my ending it with Nicki. And also the way I ended it. I took a pretty drastic measure and accused her of using me as one of "friends" (aka - boy-toys). I also de-friended her on Facebook... and this was the second time I did that. I think I pretty much destroyed anything we had left. I was pretty damn angry.

I mean, she never told about the other guy she was seeing for "a long time." I was pretty open with her about other dates that I was going on. She was going for "a coffee" with him?? BS!! She was going to get laid. And then she has the nerve to tell me she is having a "sleep-over" with someone new she just met?! Well, what the hell. Why not? She did the exact-same thing with me? She just me and the very next day, we were in bed together. She even asked me if we could go back to my condo.

It's no wonder her vagina seemed so loose. God, just how many men has she been screwing?? I cant believe I was falling for this woman. She definately is a man-eater. She does it so well. Does and says everything you want, and wham-bam, she gets her action. She really is a player and I got played... plain and simple. Like the Fleetwood Mac song said: "players only love you when they're playing." The way she would hold me... the way she would look at me. God, I fell for it hook-line-and-sinker. And hard!!

You know, I knew something was up with this girl right from the moment I met her, to moment she contacted me on Facebook. But I just couldnt put my finger on it. I this terrible mis-trust with her, but yet I didnt follow my instinct. I am trying to remember back, to that moment. Maybe I was lonely and vulnerable. I opened the door and let myself open to be taken advantage of. Using her own metaphor, I was the lambing sticking my head in the mouth of the lion. What an idiot I was! And still am.

At least when I was with Siobhan, I was with her and her only and I gave a real shot. It didnt work out, but at least I didnt sleep with countless other women, while I was with her.

Nicki is a man-eater. Tony said to stay away from her. Her own cousing told me that she was bad news. And why stay away from her? His exact words: "once a cheater, always a cheater." According to Tony, her marriage had ended because of an affair she had. I didnt want to believe him. I wanted to believe it was just family gossip or hear-say.

And she tells me that even though she broke-up in 2005, she didnt date at all since 2008? And then she was in a relationship with one guy for the whole year? So for 2+ years she didnt date all? BS! Maybe she with the guy she had the affair with. I mean, she didnt tell me she was seeing another guy while she was seeing me. And even though I told her about every date I had, she didnt say a peep to me about this guy, or any others. All she would keep saying was how happy she was to know that I was seeing other people. I always found that a bit odd. It was like she was saying: yes, yes, please see other people so I dont have to feel guilty.

Ok, now I'm mad. Here I was feeling sad that I ended it with this really great girl who I was ready to spend all my time with, and all along she was just using me for sex... for her own personal agenda. She's nothing more than a cold-hearted snake. And I let myself be her victom. This whole weekend I was sick-to-my stomach, worried over her and was I doing the right thing.

Maybe I didnt do it in the nicest way. Maybe I could have been more tactful. But hell, now I realize she was cool and calculating. She was devious and under-handed. She gave me just enough info to draw me in. So why the hell should I be so stressed out about this?

I had to protect myself. I was heading for a serious fall. Even she said that she thought about ending with me, for that reason. But did that stop her? Did she end it with me, even though she knew I was falling for her? Oh no, because then she wouldnt have gotten what she wanted.

I hope I did hurt her. I hope I did pierce her armour, even if it was just a little bit. She cant just go around doing that to people, and not realize how much pain she is causing.

Epiphany? Is that why I was supposed to meet her? Is that why, God? Did she need this? Did I need this because I was getting so desensitized, myself? That I was getting jaded? Maybe I never stopped being jaded, from my divorce. It's like she messed me up like Kia did. She was just using me, like Kia did. And I was falling for it, just like I did with Kia.

Is this why we needed to meet? Is it, God?

I always thought I was being pretty honest with women, and myself. Nicki did tell me from the beginning, that she wanted to keep things open and see other people, too. But at least along the way, I was open with her and told her about the other women I went on dates with. If she was seeing this other guy for awhile, why couldnt she just tell me that, when we first started talking. I tell that to other women, if there is someone else. It's not easy, but I do it.

I dont know. It just all sucks! Sometimes I dont even think I should be dating. Maybe I've become too jaded. Am I, God? Shoud I give up, at least for a little while? Why doesnt that feel like the right thing to do?

Well, at least the good thing is that now Nicki is out of my life, for good. There's no turning back now. I made sure of that. My actions were like chemotherapy to our relationship. And knowing that I am in the free and clear of her, physicall and emotionally, I give myself freely to someone new, should they happen to come into my life. If Nicki was still there, I'd be caught up in this emotional entanglement, with her. Now, that's not the case. I'm free as a bird.

She messed me up pretty bad, but now I put things back to the right path. She de-railed me, but now I've got control back. The ball is back in my court and I'm ready to give myself to someone worthy.

I want to make a real effort now, to be more careful with a women's feelings. For too long, I've been cool and calculating myself. I havent been open to anything real. I've been too fast with women, coming on too strong, too quickly. I need to be a bit more controlled... a bit more thoughtful in my approach. I now realize how much it hurts to be manipulated and misled. Chris, do not do this to women. Please try not too. I know it will be hard. But please try.

Ok, I'm tired of typing now and my vision is getting blurry. I needed to get this off my chest, and I'm glad I did.

Good night,

Chris.

Messed Up at 2:30am

I am not sure where to begin with this one. I never thought I'd have my heart broken, again. It was bad enough when I lost Kia, but I now I am losing Nicki, too.

But did I ever really have her in the first place? I think that is what hurts the most. I let myself fall in love with her, but it was under false pretenses. When she would hold me, kiss me, call me, text me, I felt like I was the only one. That no one else mattered to her, in the world. It made me feel really special. So when I found out that she's been with other men in the meantime, it shattered all those feelings. It really hurt.

And even though I knew that, I pretended that I could just be friends with her. Truth is, I cant just be friends with her. Because every time I come in contact with her, I want more than I can have. God, why did she have to come back into my life! Why the hell did she have to contact me after all these years. Why did I let her back into my life? Why did I do this to myself? My head just feels so messed up, right now.

It's 2am and I woke up in panic... in a cold sweat. I have to deal with my feelings about Nicki. I cant go on like this, pretending that I can only be friends with her. That I was nothing more than a fuck to her. Telling me that friendship had to go with the sex. Oh, she knew all the right buttons to press and all the right things to say and do, to get what she wanted from me.

I cant believe I let her into my life... into my home, and shared the most intimate aspects of my life. I feel like such a fool. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry.

God, please help me to get over her. This pain is terrible.

If I post this, I will always have this to remember to her. To keep her alive in my life. What's much worse is knowing that she is in my mind and in my soul and that I put her there. I trusted her, and look what it got me... a broken heart. I feel like her victom, her pray. And evening knowing that, I put myself in harm's way with her.

This is a painful experience and I hope I understand someday what the lesson is. I know there is a good one, here. But for now, I just want to get some sleep. My girls need me to be strong and there for them. I need to be strong and there for me, too.

I love you Chris. You're the best. You have a good, trusting heart that will someday be appreciated by someone special.