My Roots, My Self

I now understand the importance of getting to know my own heritage.

In her book The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., says: "If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life."

Now that I am back living with my parents, I feel this wonderful sense of opportunity at a "second chance." When I left home the first time, I felt like I was running away. I felt like there was a lot of unresolved feelings, especially with my father. He had wanted me to move out for a good many years, while my mother wanted me to stay as long as possible. I felt torn because for many years, I was my mother's protector and support system.

But I also felt like I wanted to move on with my life and begin a journey to discover myself. I had only ever thought of myself in terms of the "we" and had little counter-balance in terms of thinking of myself as an "I." So what did my "peeps" do?

Sunday, December 9 - My first history lesson.

I asked my mother and father many questions. I asked them about their parents, their grandparents, their siblings, etc. I wanted to know about their relationships and the family environments they grew up in, and what they saw and what their major influences were. This is what Lerner talks about when she refers to "... the forces that shaped our parents' lives as they shaped ours... When do not know these things, we do not know the self."

My Mother was raised from infancy to age 6 by her grandparents, in another village far away from her parents. Her parents came to visit her, now and again. I asked her why she was raised by them, especially considering that her mother was a housewife. She did not know why. There has to be more to it than that, but I did not want to press too hard. It may be too painful a topic to discuss.

She remembers her grandparents as being very kind, caring and generous. They would show their affections by showering her with gifts. She was virtually an only child, though her grandparents did have a 16 year-old son... though he wasnt around much. Oddly enough, this sounds very much like my situation.

My mother went back to work a few weeks after I was born. Maternity leave was not an option back then, though I still wonder she didnt stay home with me. My father had a good job that paid well. During the week, she told me that I stayed with a babysitter, and that they would pick me up on the weekends. This happened for a about a year, then she quit her job to stay home with me.

My brother was 12 years my senior and I dont remember him all that well. He wasnt around a whole lot. Most of what I know is from photos and my parents' recollections. When I asked him about what he remembered, he said that it was too long ago, and that he had forgotten. Though it was 35 years ago, I found that a bit strange, since he was a teenager at the time. I have lots of memories from my teen-age years.

My grandfather was quite a "Don Juan", according to my mother. He was well-dressed and had the finer-things-in-life. My grandmother came from a wealthy, aristocratic family. This seemed to pay for the high-life that my grandfather was living. He worked the fields of the vineyards he inherited and he also was a life insurance agent. It seems that he was a very enterprising man.

He would also socialize a lot, with and without my grandmother. He had many personal interests and activities, among which included cavorting around town and going out for drinks with the local gentry.

As my mother described her father, I could very much see the resemblances to the man she married - my father. My father is very enterprising and inventive man. He moved to the big city when he was 16 and never looked back. He worked hard in an apprenticeship and became quite skilled in his trade. He was also well-dressed and became a man-about-town, in his own right. He told me the story of when he invited his then 18-year-old sister to the city, and subsequently bought her an expensive dress and purse, and took her around town. That was one of my aunt's fondest memories of her youth.

When they came to Canada, my father was hard-working and industrious. He had a great mind for inventions and was always looking for ways to do things better. He started his own DJ business in 1973. He was quite successful in this endeavour, and was away a good many weekends, partying the nights away.

He was also a good drinker, though I dont recall him being a drunken-slob. He was always well-dressed, very out-going and would go out many nights, drinking with his buddies from work. During this time as well, he managed to have a long-standing affair with one woman. For the record, when I questioned him as to why he did that, he said: "it is easier for a woman to get a man, and not easy for a man to get woman... because women have what a man wants, so they have the upper-hand."

I take this to mean that in his loneliness, he was desparate not to miss any opportunities for happiness. In some ways, I can relate to this feeling. Deep down I think I married Kia because I was worried that she would be the best I could ever do. She was pretty and out-going and seemed very self-confident and self-assured. I felt like how many times in my life would I get this chance.

My mother met my father in the refugee camp, in Austria in 1957. Here was this handsome, well-dressed and self-confident guy that was able to bolster her own self-esteem and calm her fears of life of loneliness and maybe abandonment. It seems to me that maybe she was a bit desparate and hard-up, especially in the incredibly uncertain times of the war-ridelled Europe.

I dont ever seems to recall my father saying anything terribly romantic about my mother, though over the years he did many acts of romance... like flowers, expensive dinners, world-travels, cars, furs, etc. But in all his recollections of the old-days, I dont ever recall him saying that he was head-over-heels in love with my mother or that she was the only one for him or that it was love at first-sight. His seemed to carry more of a pragmatic view of their relationship, rather than one of great love and romance.

I asked him about his parents, and what he remembered about their marriage and his family-life. Oddly enough, the first thing he said was that it was "not overly-romantic or lovey-dovey." He also said that his was would be the one to spank him. I found it a bit odd that those would be the first things that came to his mind about from his childhood memories. Although, I did find it interesting that he did come with some more memories, and we has like a little child, excited to tell me about his father was really involved with them, doing many fun activities with he and his brother and sister. He remembered how his father would take him to church on Sundays and his mother would be at home preparing a nice family meal. His parents would take the kids out to the local pub for a family meal, as well.

I can defintely see a few similarities in my marrige, to those of the marriages in my family history.

My marriage was not terribly romantic or overly lovey-dovey. I would go to work and come home, and for the most part, would want to just talk a bit or to just spend some time on my own... on the computer or watching TV or reading a book. And when the kids came along, I would spend a lot of time with them, after work and dinners. Meal-time was usually quiet and uneventful.

Now that I have been out of the marriage for a while, I find myself doing those romantic and fun things that were atypical for me. I took dancing lessons, I took a course about wine-tasting, I rode the motorcycle a lot, I had developed a network of many new friends, I was dating a few women and actually enjoying the dating process. I bought myself some new clothes and I remade my image.

My best friend - Joe, commented, that soon after I broke up with Kia, "the old Chris came back." That comment really got me to thinking. The man I was in marriage was quite opposite to the man I was outside of marriage. It's like I was two different people.

My rendition of marriage was more a pragmatic arrangement. We were there to support each other, to make sure we were taken care of. We were to have children, build a nest, get old and live out the last years of our lives together... all-the-time never being alone. Happiness and love were sentimentally nice, but unworthy of the effort. So, little effort was made to achive them. Most of the effort and emotion was put into the more practical, every-day considerations, like: the rent, careers, education, mortgages, renovations, children, preparing meals and personal health.

In short, I saw myself going down the same path as my parents and their parents before them. I developed a subconcious fear of living out the rest of my days like generations gone before. Moreover, I was afraid that I was going to be this other guy, whom I didnt want to be, till my death.

Some important other familial influences were: my brother, my aunt and her son - my cousin. My brother lived much the same way as my parents. He would work a lot, and when he came home he would watch TV, read a book or smoke outside, on his own. Soon after his marriage and birth of his first child, his wife had an affair and temporarily moved out. I even remember him moving back home for a few days. The rest of his life, from what I could see, was characterized by an on-again / off-again marriage with infidelity on both parts, 5 children with incredibly rebellious stages, and an incredibly choppy relationship with my parents.

I remember my aunt being this sickly woman, who smoked a ton and was always complaining about her health and practically being house-ridden. I remember my uncle being quite the opposite. Like my father, was hard-working, resourceful, tough and very outgoing. Unlike my father, I did not see him with vices like alcohol or other woman or being a playboy. Though he did seem to always boast about his jewelery. My mother gave me the impression that they were a terrible match, and that now his current girlfriend (my aunt died many years ago), holds a similar disposition to him. The eery thing about it is that she bares an uncanny resemblance to my aunt. And, she had been in love with my uncle from when she was 14 years-old. After a lifetime apart, here they were together... like tow peas-in-a-pod.

So what did I learn from this? All the marriages that I could reference in my family history, seemed to be characterized by a lack of love and overall happiness. It's like the people in them were satisfied with the status quo. They accepted mediocrity and strove for no better. Instead of trying to achieve some semblance of marital bliss, they survived on outside vices and influences... my mother's father and my father with their Don-Juan lifestyles and drinking, my grandmothers and mother with their good-little housewife routines, staying home and cooking meals and remaining obedient to their husbands' needs. My uncle had his jewelery and cars and my brother had his tv and cigarettes.

And me? I had my career, motorcyles, TV, golf, magazines and books and the computer. Now, I have even more interests and distractions. Sometimes I feel like I am running away from the unhappiness, and filling in the time.

I have struggled with the question who-am-I. Am I the boring, married guy or am I the fun-loving, playboy type? In the last few years I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have inherited these extremes from the previous generations. I must now judge for myself what I consider to be right or wrong for my life.

I want to live my life somewhere in the middle. I want to do all the fun things in life, as an individual and as a lover. I want to be a good father to my children. I want to be a good son and brother. And I want to be a good worker with a promising.

NOW I understand why my nickname is Mr. Middleman! It's all so clear now. Deep down, it was inside of me along. I know who I was and where I came from, but also now where I want to go and who I want to be.

Dearest Klari-neni

Before I say my last goodbye, I'd like to say thank you for leaving me with many wonderful feelings in my heart and beautiful pictures in my memory.

The everlasting gifts you have given me of your kindness, generosity and sweetness, have helped me to be the man I strive to be. It was your warm embraces and soothing voice that I remember most fondly. And I will give these gifts of your spirit to the little ones in my life, in kind.

Your two great-nieces - Ourania and Franciska, told me to say goodbye, as well. They asked me if they could buy you a beautiful bouquet of flowers and make you "Love-Day" cards, for your trip on the airplane, to Heaven. So, here they are.

My only regret is that they never got to meet you in person. I know they would have loved you and embraced you, as I do.

I will miss you terribly. But I know your spirit will always guide and encourage me. One last hug and kiss goodbye.

Kristof

Speed and Innocence Lost

Today, our lives are permeated with speed and efficiency. At work, we are asked to do more work with less resources. In our daily routines, we have to wake up early, rush to get ourselves and our families ready, to get the off to the daycare or school, and then ourselves to that 9am conference call, which we had to prep for the night before, since we were too busy stressing and sifting through the day’s average load of 100-plus emails and instant messages from 20 different people… who have their own agendas. Ahhh!!!

Then we rush back to the daycare or school, pick our kids back up and rush them home, so that we can make them something half-way decent to eat, listen to all their demands in stereo – when there’s more than one child, poke and prod them into tidying up their room or do their homework, all the while stealing glances at the sink full of dishes and your laptop bag, sitting at the hallway entrance, dreading the 10pm log-on to clear our your mounting inbox!

I know that these are all run-on sentences, that grammatically speaking, are incorrect. But really they are evocative of the kind of lives we lead today. Do we every really get any rest? Our lives are like run-on sentences, aimlessly meandering with one minor crisis after another, with seemingly no end in sight. Worst of all, this becomes the accepted standard with which we live our lives. And why?

Seems ludicrous, doesn’t it? But yet, it’s ‘normal.’ Everything is fast now. We live in a give-it-to-me-now society, in which nothing is sacred anymore. Our kids are growing up faster, we are moving from job-to-job faster, relationship-to-relationship faster, accumulating toys, fashions and useless trinkets of brash opulence faster than ever. Again I ask, why?

Seeing Michael Moorer’s film, Bowling for Columbine, I understood why. The main point her tries to make is that “fear sells.” When are scared or unsure of ourselves, we have gaps in our very beings that need to be filled. And when all else fails, what fills it in better than that cute pair of wedges from NineWest or that 65” inch Sony from Best Buy, or even on a more intrinsic level, an extra-large double-double from Tim Horton’s?

Therein lies the key. We buy stuff to feel better about ourselves. And to facilitate this behaviour, our society has generated a very insidious way of making us buy stuff: by putting fear into us. We get tired from hectic lives and demands that seem to have no end or relief in sight. Hope is lost and we give in, thinking that if I just get that new thing, it’ll all be worth it.

Gaps used to be filled with good time spent with friends, having parties in our basements. We used to be on our bicycles all-day or at the playgrounds. The key was that it was our relationships with people – our family, friends, lovers and neighbours, that put smiles on our faces and warmth in our hearts, so that we could go to bed at night with a sense of peace and fulfillment.

Problem is, that those things don’t generate revenue for anyone. How can anyone be at the stores spending money if they’re at the park, pushing their kids on the swings? So society has been slowly, but surely, pulling us apart… with more work, misdirected values and ass-backward priorities. Isolation is the name of the game. If have I no one turn to for companionship, I’ll just get in my car and drive over to local retailer or jump online and I buy something to make myself feel better.

I’ve noticed that cell phones and Ipods have taken over. When someone pops in the earbuds of their MP3 player, they tune out the rest of the cruel world. In order to make that happen, they have to buy the electronic gadget, buy the handy little accessories they come with and buy (or steal) the songs on-line. And when they get bored of listening to the same songs over and over again, buy some more, day after day, week after week, till their personal library is filled with tens of thousands of songs. All-the-while, who are they interacting with? No one… not friends, family or neighbours. But hey, purchases are being made and money is being spent, and that’s what really counts, after all.

It’s gotten to the point now that even taking time off from work or well-deserved vacation, almost impossible. Sounds dumb, I know. Who fears taking vacation? Reality is that getting someone to back you up while you’re gone is impossible, because everyone is too busy to take on anymore. And when you come back to the office a week later, you’ve got several hundred emails to contend with, even though you are working like you never left. Within a few hours, you are wound right back up and possibly even regretting ever having left the office. So, what do you do to cope? You cant very well complain to the boss, so you steal away to Tim Horton’s for a caffeine fix. Those few precious moments away from your desk will make the troubles of the day go away. “That’ll be $1.95 please.”

Or maybe I’ll check my Hotmail again – for the 10th time today, while unconsciously looking at the internet “real-estate” adds from Lavalife tempting me with “sexy singles” that are “waiting to talk to me today.” Oh, I can tell by her picture that she wants me and my life will be so-much the better once we connect… and for on $19.95 I can starting browsing and sending messages to the these sexy-singles today! Where’s my Visa?

As a society, we are letting this happen… guilty as charged. We are letting the values that we grew up with just disappear. I was just peering in on my parents, watching them read their Sunday paper, sharing a homemade cup-of-coffee, and light banter about the weather. And I thought: “that’s just crazy. How can they just be sitting there? Don’t they realize there’s so much to be done?” And then I realize, the crazy one is really me. I cant even just sit for a few minutes to read a book or watch a good TV program.

In the process of this conspired madness, families, friendships, relationships and our neighbourhoods disintegrate. Our kids grow up faster and we burn out quicker. And why? Just so we can buy more stuff and, voila… feel better about ourselves.

Happy shopping.

Kiss Goodnight, my Love

11:50pm - I just finished watching a movie called Il Duce Canadese - a true story about the inturnment of thousands of Italian Canadians at the beginning of the WWII. Lives and families were torn apart as a result of innocent husbands and fathers being ripped away from their wives and children. The reason? Well, the reason doesnt really matter... all's fair in love and war, they say. The real story is spoken best in one line, when the father - Angelo, says his only goal is to get the family back together. That's it.

Turmoil and uncertainty are a natural part of the human condition. The idea is not to understand it, but to accept it and to realize what is important in life and put all of our love and energy into that. The ties that bind are sacred and ethereal. They are to be trusted above all else and cherished with a passion shared by the blood coursing through our veigns.

And so I gently stole into my daughters' room as they slept, to hear them breath... to see their peaceful faces, so radiant and calm. All is well in our world, though the rumbling of war is becoming imminent. Innocence lost, innocence gained. And here I stand at the dawning of a new day filled with uncertainty and a troubled soul. Optimism and hope are my guides through this approaching journey descending into the valley of shadows.

They are the cause. They are my everything. I will fight for them and I will fight for me. For I am God, and God is me. I have the ability to affect the world around me. I am not just an innocent by-standard. I will somehow survive and get through this.

And so, as I turn to gently walk out of their room, with echoes of their breathing fresh in my mind, I turn to give them one last kiss.

Goodnight, My Loves... goodnight.

??????????????? Help.

Ok, so I am not sure just exactly how I am feeling right now. Of course, it works well for me to just start typing and find my way. It's being lost in the woods and not sure which way to turn next. There are feelings of fear, anger, stress and hope... all mixed up into one.

I didnt get the girls tonight. Though it had been planned, Kia decided that she wasnt comfortable with them sleeping at my parents' home. She is not comfortable with them being here. This is just ridiculous. My parents love the girls and would do anything for them or me. I have no concerns with them being here. I love them dearly and only want the best for them.

As a result, I found myself with a free night. This is not what I expected or what I was looking forward to. I was driving down to the house to pick the girls up, when Kia phoned me and broke the news to me. I tried very hard not to get angry, since I have to be strong and not show my disappointment. But, it's not easy. I am disappointed and hurt. They're my kids, too. What right does she have to keep them away from me... to make the rules up. I know she's their mother, but come on. I am just as important as she is to the children.

I dont know why she is doing this. Is she out to get me? What? All I know is that it hurts, and there is very little I can do about it. Do I go to court? Do I go to war with her? It all seems so pointless and hurtful. I dont want any part of that. I love my kids but I wont be drawn into a fight. That's just not me. And if it means I dont get to see them as much, then I have to do what is best for me. I wont let myself be manipulated and blackmailed by her.

Like the song says: "You are the lock, you are the key... you are the master of your destiny".

I just have to get used to the fact that this is not going to be easy. For the most part, things have been going well with our seperation. But underneath it all, there is unresolved hurt and pain... for all of us. We try to pretend that we can just move on with our lives, as though nothing has happened... that we can just pretend to be happy-go-lucky, with not a care in the world.

I am concerned about the girls. I know this cant be good for them. It just cant be. Ourania told the teacher yesterday that her mother cut her with a knife. Needless to say, the teacher was very concerned. So was I, but I dont believe she was telling the truth. The school called in Catholic Children's Aid to investigate. I dont blame them. I would have done the same thing. But there is more to this and I believe it relates to our seperation.

Yesterday, I asked Ourania how she felt about Mummy and Daddy not being together anymore. She said it made her happy. Happy? How could that be. No one is happy about this. That comment told me that she is not able to tell the truth. She is probably afraid to tell me the truth, for fear of hurting my feelings and possibly jeopardizing her parents taking care of her. She has a very simplistic view of the world, in which she needs to have her loved ones take care of her... she needs to make us good... so she twists her feelings.


This really sucks! I know it is happening and I dont know what to do. I know I cannot be with Kia anymore. It's over. Even if I thought for a second about getting back together with her, I can never trust her again. There's just no way. Which is really sad, because I would have done anything for her. And I tried my best, but there was no way she was going to let me get close to her. She's all about keeping a comfortable distance... not letting me get too close. It was her parents who taught her that, by their own example of a terrible marriage and divorce. It was her damned father who left the country and virtually abandoned her. It was her mother that abandonded her in their home with her crazy brother.

This is not about me. I am tired of always taking the blame. I am tired of beating myself up for this. I tried. I tried. Please God, I tried. I gave her 10 good years. I did everything she asked of me, and it still wasnt good enough. I was 100% faithfull and still it wasnt good enough. God, why did things have to turn out this way? I know everything happens for a reason, but this, this... just makes me shake my head.

God, please let everything be ok with the girls. Please do Your will with us. I am sure you what is best and right for us. I put my faith and trust in you, to make us all happy and give us what we need.

Thanks!

Love Chris.

Till Death Do Us Part

I have an idea for a movie / documentary. It would be in the same format as movies like Bowling for Columbine and Supersize Me. Only, this would be about seperation and divorce.
I originally had this idea some time ago, when I first started to go through my situation in my own marriage. At first I was quite ashamed to open up and talk with people about it, and then when I finally did, I was stunned by the amount of people around me that were going through the same thing. It was as though I had personally discovered a societal epidemic.

The more I talked to people and heard their stories, the more disgusted I became. The more I began to scratch my head and wonder why this "epidemic" was happening. And that's the premise for the movie, to answer the question: Why?

My final epiphany for the movie came one as I was driving to work in the morning. I was stopped in traffic and I noticed a sign that someone had posted on a bus shelter. It read: "Divorces for $300". Ok, that just blew me away! What that meant is that divorce had finally arrived as a cheap commodity and was sharing the same advertising stage as roofers, painters and get-rich quick schemes to earn $1000 dollars a week.

Talk about a total anti-thesis to the "sanctity of marriage" that we all seemed to learn somewhere along the way in our lives. It even gives the appearances of demonstrating the symptoms of our disposable society.

Of course there is no end to the people you could interview for this documentary, but the really incidious part of all this, to me is that our government is quietly standing by and not intervening in some way. Marriage and family are supposed to weave the very fabric of our society, so why arent they saying anything publicly?

I got to talking with a friend of mine about this apathy by the government. What we came to realize was that our society in general is moving more towards a sense of individualism. People are coming to depend less on each other and personal relationships. So what, you ask? Well, as we become more isolated from one another, we become more alone and lonely. And what do we do to avoid that? We buy stuff! Like MP3 players, so we can plug in our headphones and tune the world out.

Remember Michael Moorer said in the movie Bowling for Columbine, that "fear sells." When we lose our personal relationships and become 'islands', we buy ourselves stuff to make ourselves feel better. I just spoke with a woman who is recently seperated and she admitted that since she seperated she spent more on herself in one month than in 7 years of marriage. Oddly enough, her ex is doing the same thing.

That's when I came to realize that fear and loneliness sell, which generates big business, creates industries and jobs, tax revenue and helps drive the economy. If a couple splits up, they will theoretically need double of everything. Two homes, with two sets of furniture, etc. Again, more revenue generated for business and more taxes in the government's pockets. With all these benefits, why would the government intervene?

But back to my original question? Why? Why do so many couples seperate and divorce? Why the epidemic? They say 1 in 2 marriages fail. If you talk to enough people about it as I have, you'll get the sense that it is more than 50% of marriages that fail and that it is really dis-heartening. And worse still that there is nothing or anyone out there in the mainstream trying to expose this problem with the desire to try and slow it down.

We had a seperation cousellor with Toronto's Catholic Family Services who said, and I quote: "marriage does not have to be a life sentence." This is the Catholic Church for goodness sake. The same people that told me on my wedding day, "for richer and for poorer, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Wait a minute. That's it! That's the name for the movie - "Till Death Do Us Part."

Anyhow, I have lots of ideas around this. But what I could do is to start interviewing people and documenting what happened in their failed relationships. My point, like Supersize Me, is to expose the truth. To open the doors up and see just what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe we could find some couples that went through the turmoil or who are still in the middle of it, that would be willing to be filmed.

I know it is intensely personal for many people, but I think that makes it all the more compelling and worthwihile and something that other people and couples watching could relate to. Maybe the benefit to this would be letting people know that they are not alone and that the troubles they are experiencing are not unique, and maybe not so bad as to cause a breakup afterall.