It's done.

Here is a letter I posted on eHarmony advice on Dec 26, 2009.

I wanted to close the loop on this post by providing an update.

Last night, I ended it with her.

We were supposed to get together yesterday for Xmas. I waited all day for her to call me back to tell me what time she was coming over. I sent her emails and left her a voice message throughout the day, with no response. I talked briefly to her around 1pm and asked her what time we'd see each other and she said she'd call me back to let me know. At 4:30pm, I tried calling and got voicemail. There were no responses to my emails and so I finally got frustrated/mad and gave up.

At 5:30 she called me and said she's gonna take a quick shower and then come over. At that point I was really upset and said I didnt want to see her. I felt like I was being used for her own convenience and told her as much. I am not going to be at someone's beckon call, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

So I said my goodnight and hung up. I decided to just leave it at that and really think about things. After a couple of hours, she sends me an email telling me that she had made plans with her friends to go out on Saturday night and that she'd like to come over to have sex during the day. I was furious. I had told her that I didnt have my kids this weekend and she makes plans with her friends on Saturday night? And then just needs to use me for sex? I said no to that, too. I want more than to be a convenient 'lay'.

That was the last straw.

So I told her that we were "missing" each other... like we werent on the same page. I told her that I wasnt happy and that I hadnt been for some time. And that it wasnt fair for us to keep coming back to this same argument. I told her that she had her neat and tidy life exactly the way she wanted it, and I was there to fill in the gaps. That I was nothing more than a convenience to her. To which she agreed she was selfish, in that regard.

And I told her that she was just being herself and going after what she wanted and made her happy. And I was trying to do the same. But it was obvious that what we wanted were two different things. And that's ok. Over time with a person, you get to learn these things. And I told her that I really loved her, but that sometimes love just isnt enough. It has to make sense, too. And it just wasnt making sense anymore.

I realized finally that I was becoming a small, interchangeable piece of her puzzle. One that she could put in, take out and move around at her leisure and convenience. For me, she was a big piece of my puzzle that I was trying desperately to fit in and keep in. And when the piece was pulled out without warning and with no sense of when it was going to be put back in or in what form, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my puzzle. And that stressed me to the max.

So now I understand that we wanted two very different things from a relationship. It's hard to accept, though. It hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

I will definitely take a piece of her with me.

And just one bit of information on the NYE-thing. I told her again how much it bugged me about us not being together on NYE. To which she told me that I'd be happy to know that she was probably going to stay home that night. I guess her friend had let her down about going out with her. I really felt sorry for her, but I just shook my head. She made her decision to not be with me on NYE and that really hurt me. It's ironic how that turned out.

Anyhow, I had a really rough night of it. I tried to distract myself with tv and reading, but it was no use. I just lay in bed... with a million thoughts going through my head. Going to sleep was difficult and I woke up just before 5am. All I could think about was her. Thankfully my kids arent here this weekend. I need some alone time.

You know, I thought I'd be more upset. I thought I was going to be crushed and really emotional. I suppose that could still happen. But in a small way, I feel lighter and a bit relieved. I know I am going to grieve over this, though I dont know for how long. And I know I am going to feel lonely and confused. I just have to go through it and survive, and eventually I'll be ok.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my notes and to offer your thoughts, opinions and advice. You opened my mind up to new ways of thinking about the situation and it really did help me to make my decision.

Good luck to you all and have a wonderful 2010.

Chris.

Dont know what to do.

Or maybe I do know, but I'm scared to do it.

I got her that XMas present because I wanted to see her in that outfit. I wanted to use those things on her and I wanted her to use them on me. She said to me in an email that she wanted to explore our kinky sides. I thought that getting these things would help us to do that. And it's not the typical, everyday thing. I thought she would appreciate getting something really out of the ordinary.

Was I selfish? Should I have gotten her that ring or that locket I saw? I remember how I felt when I was buying it at the store. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I was thinking too much about what would make me happy, instead of what would make her happy. I like going to that store, but she doesnt.

I'd like to keep it and use them with her. I was really looking forward to it and I got the sense that she was excited about it, too. But not as a XMas present. I made a mistake and it's hard to accept. Especially since she told me to take it all back. That hurt.

I really miss those days of sleeping at each other's places. I remember how I felt, how happy and excited I was about life. I remember feeling like I had this great woman taking care of me, in the morning... making me breakfast and a tea, to go. I felt like I had a loving wife sending me off to work. I never had that with Kia, so when I got that from Bela, I was very happy. But will I get that, again?

I havent had that for a long time. Since her daughter and mother came are living with her, things have really changed. We havent had sex at her place for a long time. I dont even remember the last time. And I havent slept there since September, when Sofia came home. Her mom will leave soon, but her daughter will still be there. And now that her boyfirend is here, there's even less privacy. And how come he can sleep over, but I cant?

I want it to be like it was back then, but it cant be. And it's obvious she doesnt like sleeping over here, anymore. Funny, even though she didnt sleep so well and had to fight the traffic back then, she seemed to be ok with it. Now, she doesnt want to. I miss having someone lying beside me, when I wake up. It doesnt have to be all the time, but sometimes it's nice.

I am ok with the distance between us. I have gotten used to the drive and the 407 charges. And when the winter and snow comes, it'll be harder, but that wont stop me. Unless it's a terrible snowstorm, that's different. Bela is making it sound like I am going to see her even less, with the bad weather coming. And she mentioned how she doent like the traffic or 407 charges. I cant say I blame her. I dont like them either. Maybe we are just too far apart, to make it practical.

If we lived closer to each other, then it would be a lot easier. I've even thought about moving closer to her. Buying a condo down at DVP and Eglinton. But I am happy where I am. It works for me. And it's the same for her. She is happy where she is and I dont see her wanting to move. So neither if us wants to move. We both want to stay where we are, which is too far apart. But it wouldnt be so bad if we could sleep over now and again. But how can I be happy knowing she'll be exhausted the next morning? And knowing that she has to fight that insane traffic into the city. It's not fair to her. She's needs to be sleeping in her own bed... in her own place, right above her salon. It doesnt get any better than that for her. And she definitely needs her own space.

And when I come home from her place after 11pm, then I am too tired too go to the gym the next morning. She makes it really hard for me to leave. I can tell she really wants me to stay a little longer.