Dont know what to do.

Or maybe I do know, but I'm scared to do it.

I got her that XMas present because I wanted to see her in that outfit. I wanted to use those things on her and I wanted her to use them on me. She said to me in an email that she wanted to explore our kinky sides. I thought that getting these things would help us to do that. And it's not the typical, everyday thing. I thought she would appreciate getting something really out of the ordinary.

Was I selfish? Should I have gotten her that ring or that locket I saw? I remember how I felt when I was buying it at the store. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I was thinking too much about what would make me happy, instead of what would make her happy. I like going to that store, but she doesnt.

I'd like to keep it and use them with her. I was really looking forward to it and I got the sense that she was excited about it, too. But not as a XMas present. I made a mistake and it's hard to accept. Especially since she told me to take it all back. That hurt.

I really miss those days of sleeping at each other's places. I remember how I felt, how happy and excited I was about life. I remember feeling like I had this great woman taking care of me, in the morning... making me breakfast and a tea, to go. I felt like I had a loving wife sending me off to work. I never had that with Kia, so when I got that from Bela, I was very happy. But will I get that, again?

I havent had that for a long time. Since her daughter and mother came are living with her, things have really changed. We havent had sex at her place for a long time. I dont even remember the last time. And I havent slept there since September, when Sofia came home. Her mom will leave soon, but her daughter will still be there. And now that her boyfirend is here, there's even less privacy. And how come he can sleep over, but I cant?

I want it to be like it was back then, but it cant be. And it's obvious she doesnt like sleeping over here, anymore. Funny, even though she didnt sleep so well and had to fight the traffic back then, she seemed to be ok with it. Now, she doesnt want to. I miss having someone lying beside me, when I wake up. It doesnt have to be all the time, but sometimes it's nice.

I am ok with the distance between us. I have gotten used to the drive and the 407 charges. And when the winter and snow comes, it'll be harder, but that wont stop me. Unless it's a terrible snowstorm, that's different. Bela is making it sound like I am going to see her even less, with the bad weather coming. And she mentioned how she doent like the traffic or 407 charges. I cant say I blame her. I dont like them either. Maybe we are just too far apart, to make it practical.

If we lived closer to each other, then it would be a lot easier. I've even thought about moving closer to her. Buying a condo down at DVP and Eglinton. But I am happy where I am. It works for me. And it's the same for her. She is happy where she is and I dont see her wanting to move. So neither if us wants to move. We both want to stay where we are, which is too far apart. But it wouldnt be so bad if we could sleep over now and again. But how can I be happy knowing she'll be exhausted the next morning? And knowing that she has to fight that insane traffic into the city. It's not fair to her. She's needs to be sleeping in her own bed... in her own place, right above her salon. It doesnt get any better than that for her. And she definitely needs her own space.

And when I come home from her place after 11pm, then I am too tired too go to the gym the next morning. She makes it really hard for me to leave. I can tell she really wants me to stay a little longer.