It's done.

Here is a letter I posted on eHarmony advice on Dec 26, 2009.

I wanted to close the loop on this post by providing an update.

Last night, I ended it with her.

We were supposed to get together yesterday for Xmas. I waited all day for her to call me back to tell me what time she was coming over. I sent her emails and left her a voice message throughout the day, with no response. I talked briefly to her around 1pm and asked her what time we'd see each other and she said she'd call me back to let me know. At 4:30pm, I tried calling and got voicemail. There were no responses to my emails and so I finally got frustrated/mad and gave up.

At 5:30 she called me and said she's gonna take a quick shower and then come over. At that point I was really upset and said I didnt want to see her. I felt like I was being used for her own convenience and told her as much. I am not going to be at someone's beckon call, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

So I said my goodnight and hung up. I decided to just leave it at that and really think about things. After a couple of hours, she sends me an email telling me that she had made plans with her friends to go out on Saturday night and that she'd like to come over to have sex during the day. I was furious. I had told her that I didnt have my kids this weekend and she makes plans with her friends on Saturday night? And then just needs to use me for sex? I said no to that, too. I want more than to be a convenient 'lay'.

That was the last straw.

So I told her that we were "missing" each other... like we werent on the same page. I told her that I wasnt happy and that I hadnt been for some time. And that it wasnt fair for us to keep coming back to this same argument. I told her that she had her neat and tidy life exactly the way she wanted it, and I was there to fill in the gaps. That I was nothing more than a convenience to her. To which she agreed she was selfish, in that regard.

And I told her that she was just being herself and going after what she wanted and made her happy. And I was trying to do the same. But it was obvious that what we wanted were two different things. And that's ok. Over time with a person, you get to learn these things. And I told her that I really loved her, but that sometimes love just isnt enough. It has to make sense, too. And it just wasnt making sense anymore.

I realized finally that I was becoming a small, interchangeable piece of her puzzle. One that she could put in, take out and move around at her leisure and convenience. For me, she was a big piece of my puzzle that I was trying desperately to fit in and keep in. And when the piece was pulled out without warning and with no sense of when it was going to be put back in or in what form, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my puzzle. And that stressed me to the max.

So now I understand that we wanted two very different things from a relationship. It's hard to accept, though. It hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

I will definitely take a piece of her with me.

And just one bit of information on the NYE-thing. I told her again how much it bugged me about us not being together on NYE. To which she told me that I'd be happy to know that she was probably going to stay home that night. I guess her friend had let her down about going out with her. I really felt sorry for her, but I just shook my head. She made her decision to not be with me on NYE and that really hurt me. It's ironic how that turned out.

Anyhow, I had a really rough night of it. I tried to distract myself with tv and reading, but it was no use. I just lay in bed... with a million thoughts going through my head. Going to sleep was difficult and I woke up just before 5am. All I could think about was her. Thankfully my kids arent here this weekend. I need some alone time.

You know, I thought I'd be more upset. I thought I was going to be crushed and really emotional. I suppose that could still happen. But in a small way, I feel lighter and a bit relieved. I know I am going to grieve over this, though I dont know for how long. And I know I am going to feel lonely and confused. I just have to go through it and survive, and eventually I'll be ok.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my notes and to offer your thoughts, opinions and advice. You opened my mind up to new ways of thinking about the situation and it really did help me to make my decision.

Good luck to you all and have a wonderful 2010.

Chris.

Dont know what to do.

Or maybe I do know, but I'm scared to do it.

I got her that XMas present because I wanted to see her in that outfit. I wanted to use those things on her and I wanted her to use them on me. She said to me in an email that she wanted to explore our kinky sides. I thought that getting these things would help us to do that. And it's not the typical, everyday thing. I thought she would appreciate getting something really out of the ordinary.

Was I selfish? Should I have gotten her that ring or that locket I saw? I remember how I felt when I was buying it at the store. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I was thinking too much about what would make me happy, instead of what would make her happy. I like going to that store, but she doesnt.

I'd like to keep it and use them with her. I was really looking forward to it and I got the sense that she was excited about it, too. But not as a XMas present. I made a mistake and it's hard to accept. Especially since she told me to take it all back. That hurt.

I really miss those days of sleeping at each other's places. I remember how I felt, how happy and excited I was about life. I remember feeling like I had this great woman taking care of me, in the morning... making me breakfast and a tea, to go. I felt like I had a loving wife sending me off to work. I never had that with Kia, so when I got that from Bela, I was very happy. But will I get that, again?

I havent had that for a long time. Since her daughter and mother came are living with her, things have really changed. We havent had sex at her place for a long time. I dont even remember the last time. And I havent slept there since September, when Sofia came home. Her mom will leave soon, but her daughter will still be there. And now that her boyfirend is here, there's even less privacy. And how come he can sleep over, but I cant?

I want it to be like it was back then, but it cant be. And it's obvious she doesnt like sleeping over here, anymore. Funny, even though she didnt sleep so well and had to fight the traffic back then, she seemed to be ok with it. Now, she doesnt want to. I miss having someone lying beside me, when I wake up. It doesnt have to be all the time, but sometimes it's nice.

I am ok with the distance between us. I have gotten used to the drive and the 407 charges. And when the winter and snow comes, it'll be harder, but that wont stop me. Unless it's a terrible snowstorm, that's different. Bela is making it sound like I am going to see her even less, with the bad weather coming. And she mentioned how she doent like the traffic or 407 charges. I cant say I blame her. I dont like them either. Maybe we are just too far apart, to make it practical.

If we lived closer to each other, then it would be a lot easier. I've even thought about moving closer to her. Buying a condo down at DVP and Eglinton. But I am happy where I am. It works for me. And it's the same for her. She is happy where she is and I dont see her wanting to move. So neither if us wants to move. We both want to stay where we are, which is too far apart. But it wouldnt be so bad if we could sleep over now and again. But how can I be happy knowing she'll be exhausted the next morning? And knowing that she has to fight that insane traffic into the city. It's not fair to her. She's needs to be sleeping in her own bed... in her own place, right above her salon. It doesnt get any better than that for her. And she definitely needs her own space.

And when I come home from her place after 11pm, then I am too tired too go to the gym the next morning. She makes it really hard for me to leave. I can tell she really wants me to stay a little longer.

Log update Nov 5

Well, Bela and I had are first real blow-out. Our voices were raised and we were almost yelling at each other. No matter what we said to each other, neither of us would budge from our positions. Tell you the truth, I am not so sure if that is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I think it's bad because we are going to butt heads a lot. On the other hand, is butting heads a bad thing? I mean, marriage takes teamwork. It means working together.

Ok, so what does working together mean? It doesnt automatically mean 'bliss', does it? During our heated conversation/fight, we didnt say mean things to each other. Yes, we raised our voices, but it never escalated to the point where we were using foul language or calling each other disrespectful names. But shouldnt working together also means that there is room for compromise?

Like I asked her to be a little more considerate with how she talks to me, is that asking too much? At that point, could she not make a small concession for me? Why does it have to turn into a fight? Dont kid yourself, it's always going to be like that. It's her style. She wont back down and she hates to lose. However, I am noticing that she does take what I say to heart, even if in the moment she comes across as defensive when I first bring it up. It's a natural reaction for her. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing... you know, fight or flight.

I just realized, I am more flight and she is more fight. But last night was more where were both fighting. So I guess I adapted to the situation and to her style. That's me, the chameleon. I just blend in.

So now I ask myself, what now? Well, I gave myself these mantra's:
1. Be patient - well, I guess I should let the dust settle on all this and give this some more time. I am a little skepticle, but I should give her a chance. Time will tell how she actually responds to my request of not being so rough with me.
2. Be kind - funny, I had to look up this word. But it means: "of a good nature or disposition" & "indulgent, considerate, or helpful" & "mild; gentle"... ok, so I just sent my Bela loving, happy note this morning and I am indulging her desire for me to be a less sensitive.
3. Be ok on my own - truthfully, the thought of losing Bela was partly driven by the thought of being alone. And that I didnt want to start this whole dating process all over again. I am tired of it. And each new woman I meet starts off the same, with being great and then the problems start coming out. First it was Franca, then it was Eniko, then Verica, then Siobhan, then, etc, etc. So am I seeing this? Even if I were to end it with Bela and start anew with someone else, a few months down the road I'd be in this situation again. Chris, NO ONE is perfect. There is always going to be something that pisses you off about them. You know, I was so supremely patient with Kia, and hung on for dear life, even after all those crappy things that happened between us. So maybe I hung on too long and let it go too far. I should have cut it off sooner. But now I think I am overly-sensitive because I am over-compensating for that. So it's like the pendulum has swung the other way. So every little thing that bugs me is causing me to run-for-the-hills. So it's ok to be on my own, and I should have realized that a lot sooner with Kia. Maybe I wouldnt be so sensitive now.
4. Let go of the past - this is very difficult to do. But further to what I said above, I cannot let my experience of hanging on too long with Kia now make it impossible for me to find true love and happiness ever again. Otherwise, I am just going to repeat this pattern of meeting and losing good women.
5. Being open to change - I have to do this. I cant keep internalizing, so when something comes up that bugs me, then just say something... in the moment. Dont be afraid if what you say doesnt come out perfectly. With time and practice, you will get better at it.
6. Accept the unknown - I dont know how she is going to be tomorrow, next week, next year or 30 years from now. I just have no idea of what's around the bend, for me or for us. So I guess all I can really do is to just live one day at a time. Live in the moment. Seize the day. Like for example, I should just book these tickets to Paris. I dont know if we'll be together then, but we are together now and I assume we will be together then. And if we arent, so be it. She is a decent person. I'm sure we'd work something out.

My Bela

I am not sure where to begin.

This ride I have been on with Bela has been a world-wind experience. I didnt think I would fall in love this hard again. Going back over previous posts, I am reminded of moments in time with other women, that were both good and bad. Like reading about what happened with Nicki, I was reminded of how bad I felt and how I needed to take my time with a woman.

I promised myself that I would be more controlled, but am I doing that with Bela? No. There is nothing controlled about us. We both just go for it. We both have been hurt and potentially jaded by our experiences, in the past. But yet, we go back for more. We dont let these experiences from jading us to the point where we cant fully enjoy life and be open to new and wonderful experiences. So I think we are on the same page, in that sense.

Although, I am concerned that she is still a bit stung by her last relationship with George. I dont really care about what he did, but I can tell that she has healing wounds from that. I hope that she is using me to help heal those wounds, like being on the rebound. If she was, I dont think she is doing it maliciously. It might just be that she is conciously aware of what she is doing. She did mention a couple of times that put pictures of us on High5 (?) so that her ex could see them, like telling him to leave her alone.

Based on her experiences, it seems like she wants to be in the long-term, committed relationships. Well, all except her marriage. That didnt last very long, but she did have a kid with the guy, so that is a pretty big committment. And there was Carlos and George, both of whom she moved in with and lived for several years each. At least I like the way she doesnt give up so easily, like Kia did.

Well, that's not totally true. Kia was with me for 10 years and we did everything a couple could possibly do to make their marriage work. Maybe we tried too hard. Like I heard that line in that old movie the other day: love has to stop short of suicide.

But did we? Yes, were together for a long time, but that doesnt mean we tried hard to make it happy or work. Yes, we did the things that are expected of a married couple, like engagements, weddings, buying houses, having kids, doing the chores, attending family functions, etc. But did we ever really try at our relationship? Did we ever truly 'love' each other? It all seemed so mechanical and we did what was expected of us. What kind of a relationship is that? We followed the rules, but there was no love.

I'm inclined to say 'fuck the rules.' Just do whatever makes you happy in the moment. And if other people dont like that, too bad. Of course, a little bit of common sense and due dilligence are important for me. I have to have some balance between love and logic. Like I just cant pretend that something isnt bugging me or that I want to achieve things in life, and that person wont take me there.

That's what happened with Kia. I knew that I had achieved everything I was going to achieve together with her. I knew that if I stayed longer, I would lose everything I had achieved and that it would be downhill, from there. So I had to cut my losses for the sake of brighter future.

And that is what I want: a brighter future. I want a 'real' partner. Someone I can work with and talk things through. Someone who is not just going to railroad me and force things through on me, like Kia did. And that is what I feel I am getting from Bela. We can talk things through. We can work together and come to an agreement and be happy with it. I feel equal to her in this relationship. I wonder if she feels that way? Well, here is what she said in her last email to me:

"I love you even more for being so considerate about my feeling, you did notice that I was a bit stressed about that right? You notice these things and you try to help, I really appreciate that."

I guess that answers my question. See, this is the type of logic I like to use and it makes me feel better about us. And I feel more confident that what we have is real and can make me happy not just now, in the moment, but also in the long-run. I have certain needs in a relationship, like there has to be communication... for good or bad. But there has to be communincation. She is better in the moment with her feelings, than I am. When something is bugging her, she'll tell you in a controlled way. Me, I will internalize my feelings and let them 'bake', until they become more obvious to me.

So in this case, we are different in our approaches to dealing with our feelings. Is that bad or good? Will being opposite this way be a problem for us, in the future? Using this as an example, it turned out well. She said she was stressed last night. In that moment, I said we would find a way to work it out, because I didnt want to feel pain or discomfort. I just wanted to have fun last night and wash the cares of the world away. I know how her mind works: she did stress about it and wanted to talk about to resolve it, but when she saw that I didnt want to, she pushed her needs aside and had a good time, regardless. It's like she took a chance to trust me. And then I internalized, worked out what was good for me and then told her what I was thinking. I didnt want to leave her hanging, because I love her too much to stress like that. And the end result is that she is happy that I was attuned to her feelings and that I was willing to make a change to make her happy. So now we are both happy with outcome.

Ok, that is all I can type for now. There is more I could type, but I am tired and I'd like ask her some questions, so I can know what she is thinking about things, too.

Definitely, to be continued...

Chris.

A bit in the dumps this morning.

I feel like I have a sign on my head that says: "please dump on me." I'm getting tired of people criticizing me and making me feel guilty. And what I dont understand is why I take it. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve to be loved. Sometimes it feels more 'natural' to be receive pain.

Yesterday, when Joe called on the phone, I tried to make him feel guilty for not calling me sooner. Usually, he does that to me when he calls me. I was trying to do it to him, before he did it to me. And that is soooo not like me. I hate being like that.

When I was at work yesterday and I had my review with my manager, we talked about people's perception of me. How some people dont want to work with me, because I am defensive and how I need to make myself better, so that I can move up to higher positions. Shit, they're not any better.

And when I am trying to perform at work, I have Kia pressuring me directly, and through the kids, to get her way. Yelling at me, talking down to me, fuck, makes me mad.

Is it possible to not expose myself to that? Or is just part of the human condition. Little by little, each day, someone is chipping away at my psyche. It's so insidious. Without realizing it, I'm in a situation where I'm being dumped on.

I dont want to seem hard, or closed, but on the other hand, I dont want to be the world's doormat. I dont want to be the patient that needs to be psycho-analysed.

I want to pull myself out of this funk, cuz I want to be happy. I just have to get through this. Pain is our greatest teacher. You see, if I believe that, then that means the only way I am going to learn is to receive painful experiences.

Maybe that's what I need to change. Look for experiences of love and happiness.

I'm making it.

Well, today was tough for me. I felt this terrible knot inside my chest. It was a mixture of dread, fear, excitement and regret. It is directly linked to my ending it with Nicki. And also the way I ended it. I took a pretty drastic measure and accused her of using me as one of "friends" (aka - boy-toys). I also de-friended her on Facebook... and this was the second time I did that. I think I pretty much destroyed anything we had left. I was pretty damn angry.

I mean, she never told about the other guy she was seeing for "a long time." I was pretty open with her about other dates that I was going on. She was going for "a coffee" with him?? BS!! She was going to get laid. And then she has the nerve to tell me she is having a "sleep-over" with someone new she just met?! Well, what the hell. Why not? She did the exact-same thing with me? She just me and the very next day, we were in bed together. She even asked me if we could go back to my condo.

It's no wonder her vagina seemed so loose. God, just how many men has she been screwing?? I cant believe I was falling for this woman. She definately is a man-eater. She does it so well. Does and says everything you want, and wham-bam, she gets her action. She really is a player and I got played... plain and simple. Like the Fleetwood Mac song said: "players only love you when they're playing." The way she would hold me... the way she would look at me. God, I fell for it hook-line-and-sinker. And hard!!

You know, I knew something was up with this girl right from the moment I met her, to moment she contacted me on Facebook. But I just couldnt put my finger on it. I this terrible mis-trust with her, but yet I didnt follow my instinct. I am trying to remember back, to that moment. Maybe I was lonely and vulnerable. I opened the door and let myself open to be taken advantage of. Using her own metaphor, I was the lambing sticking my head in the mouth of the lion. What an idiot I was! And still am.

At least when I was with Siobhan, I was with her and her only and I gave a real shot. It didnt work out, but at least I didnt sleep with countless other women, while I was with her.

Nicki is a man-eater. Tony said to stay away from her. Her own cousing told me that she was bad news. And why stay away from her? His exact words: "once a cheater, always a cheater." According to Tony, her marriage had ended because of an affair she had. I didnt want to believe him. I wanted to believe it was just family gossip or hear-say.

And she tells me that even though she broke-up in 2005, she didnt date at all since 2008? And then she was in a relationship with one guy for the whole year? So for 2+ years she didnt date all? BS! Maybe she with the guy she had the affair with. I mean, she didnt tell me she was seeing another guy while she was seeing me. And even though I told her about every date I had, she didnt say a peep to me about this guy, or any others. All she would keep saying was how happy she was to know that I was seeing other people. I always found that a bit odd. It was like she was saying: yes, yes, please see other people so I dont have to feel guilty.

Ok, now I'm mad. Here I was feeling sad that I ended it with this really great girl who I was ready to spend all my time with, and all along she was just using me for sex... for her own personal agenda. She's nothing more than a cold-hearted snake. And I let myself be her victom. This whole weekend I was sick-to-my stomach, worried over her and was I doing the right thing.

Maybe I didnt do it in the nicest way. Maybe I could have been more tactful. But hell, now I realize she was cool and calculating. She was devious and under-handed. She gave me just enough info to draw me in. So why the hell should I be so stressed out about this?

I had to protect myself. I was heading for a serious fall. Even she said that she thought about ending with me, for that reason. But did that stop her? Did she end it with me, even though she knew I was falling for her? Oh no, because then she wouldnt have gotten what she wanted.

I hope I did hurt her. I hope I did pierce her armour, even if it was just a little bit. She cant just go around doing that to people, and not realize how much pain she is causing.

Epiphany? Is that why I was supposed to meet her? Is that why, God? Did she need this? Did I need this because I was getting so desensitized, myself? That I was getting jaded? Maybe I never stopped being jaded, from my divorce. It's like she messed me up like Kia did. She was just using me, like Kia did. And I was falling for it, just like I did with Kia.

Is this why we needed to meet? Is it, God?

I always thought I was being pretty honest with women, and myself. Nicki did tell me from the beginning, that she wanted to keep things open and see other people, too. But at least along the way, I was open with her and told her about the other women I went on dates with. If she was seeing this other guy for awhile, why couldnt she just tell me that, when we first started talking. I tell that to other women, if there is someone else. It's not easy, but I do it.

I dont know. It just all sucks! Sometimes I dont even think I should be dating. Maybe I've become too jaded. Am I, God? Shoud I give up, at least for a little while? Why doesnt that feel like the right thing to do?

Well, at least the good thing is that now Nicki is out of my life, for good. There's no turning back now. I made sure of that. My actions were like chemotherapy to our relationship. And knowing that I am in the free and clear of her, physicall and emotionally, I give myself freely to someone new, should they happen to come into my life. If Nicki was still there, I'd be caught up in this emotional entanglement, with her. Now, that's not the case. I'm free as a bird.

She messed me up pretty bad, but now I put things back to the right path. She de-railed me, but now I've got control back. The ball is back in my court and I'm ready to give myself to someone worthy.

I want to make a real effort now, to be more careful with a women's feelings. For too long, I've been cool and calculating myself. I havent been open to anything real. I've been too fast with women, coming on too strong, too quickly. I need to be a bit more controlled... a bit more thoughtful in my approach. I now realize how much it hurts to be manipulated and misled. Chris, do not do this to women. Please try not too. I know it will be hard. But please try.

Ok, I'm tired of typing now and my vision is getting blurry. I needed to get this off my chest, and I'm glad I did.

Good night,

Chris.

Messed Up at 2:30am

I am not sure where to begin with this one. I never thought I'd have my heart broken, again. It was bad enough when I lost Kia, but I now I am losing Nicki, too.

But did I ever really have her in the first place? I think that is what hurts the most. I let myself fall in love with her, but it was under false pretenses. When she would hold me, kiss me, call me, text me, I felt like I was the only one. That no one else mattered to her, in the world. It made me feel really special. So when I found out that she's been with other men in the meantime, it shattered all those feelings. It really hurt.

And even though I knew that, I pretended that I could just be friends with her. Truth is, I cant just be friends with her. Because every time I come in contact with her, I want more than I can have. God, why did she have to come back into my life! Why the hell did she have to contact me after all these years. Why did I let her back into my life? Why did I do this to myself? My head just feels so messed up, right now.

It's 2am and I woke up in panic... in a cold sweat. I have to deal with my feelings about Nicki. I cant go on like this, pretending that I can only be friends with her. That I was nothing more than a fuck to her. Telling me that friendship had to go with the sex. Oh, she knew all the right buttons to press and all the right things to say and do, to get what she wanted from me.

I cant believe I let her into my life... into my home, and shared the most intimate aspects of my life. I feel like such a fool. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry.

God, please help me to get over her. This pain is terrible.

If I post this, I will always have this to remember to her. To keep her alive in my life. What's much worse is knowing that she is in my mind and in my soul and that I put her there. I trusted her, and look what it got me... a broken heart. I feel like her victom, her pray. And evening knowing that, I put myself in harm's way with her.

This is a painful experience and I hope I understand someday what the lesson is. I know there is a good one, here. But for now, I just want to get some sleep. My girls need me to be strong and there for them. I need to be strong and there for me, too.

I love you Chris. You're the best. You have a good, trusting heart that will someday be appreciated by someone special.