Not sure right now

I went out on this date last night with Kelly. She is cute and seems very sweet. I managed to talk a lot and that is not usual. Normally, I do a lot of listening and commenting on what is being said to me. So I liked that. But I just didnt feel that wow-factor.

Of course, I didnt feel that wow-factor with any of the women I've gone out with so far, since I ended it with Bela. And now I am starting to wonder if it's them or it's me.

I think about Bela so much that maybe it's just not possible right now to give any woman a fair chance. Maybe I am still in love with her and this is not a good time to be meeting new people. But I am afraid that this feeling I have for her will not go away. I have a feeling it will keep lingering for a long time to come. And what makes it linger is that I know she still loves me, but wont let us try again.

So what to do? Logically, I know I have to move on. But my thoughts and my heart are not letting me. I'm scared. When will I stop feeling this way? People make it sound so easy to just move on. To just keep living life. I can listen to inspiritional sayings and they lift me up, for a time. But then I come back down and I'm left with me again... the same guy who has all those crazy thoughts and strong feelings for Bela.

So what do I do? Do I continue dating in the hopes that I will get that feeling? That wow-factor. Or do I take a break from it and re-charge my batteries? Let's face it, I've been dating ever since I moved out of my bedroom with Kia. I've gone from woman to woman to woman, non-stop. And none of them has worked out. Why? Because I ended it with almost all of them after a few months. I got my thrill and sex out of them and then ended it.

But with Bela, I gave her my whole life. I gave her my body and my heart. I gave her my thoughts and my kids. I gave her things that I never gave anyone else. It's no wonder I feel this way. How do you give someone so much and then let go? How do you move on when you dont want to move on, even though it makes total sense to do so.

Is being by myself the answer? I'm scared to be by myself. It's a very lonely feeling and I feel anxious when I am. The things I used to enjoy just dont have the same fulfillment for me. I'll do them, but it's just not the same. I guess I really have no choice, though. Maybe it's just a matter of living life each day and one day I'll break through and start having those feelings again.

For now, I just want to even have simple things like a good night's sleep and feeling refreshed when I wake up. And going to the gym on a regular basis. And feeling inspired when I am at work. And enjoy my time with the kids when they are with me. Or feel relaxed when I am watching a movie. These are the simple things that today elude me. How am I supposed to enjoy life and any of my dates if I cannot even enjoy these things?

~Chris.