Messed Up at 2:30am

I am not sure where to begin with this one. I never thought I'd have my heart broken, again. It was bad enough when I lost Kia, but I now I am losing Nicki, too.

But did I ever really have her in the first place? I think that is what hurts the most. I let myself fall in love with her, but it was under false pretenses. When she would hold me, kiss me, call me, text me, I felt like I was the only one. That no one else mattered to her, in the world. It made me feel really special. So when I found out that she's been with other men in the meantime, it shattered all those feelings. It really hurt.

And even though I knew that, I pretended that I could just be friends with her. Truth is, I cant just be friends with her. Because every time I come in contact with her, I want more than I can have. God, why did she have to come back into my life! Why the hell did she have to contact me after all these years. Why did I let her back into my life? Why did I do this to myself? My head just feels so messed up, right now.

It's 2am and I woke up in panic... in a cold sweat. I have to deal with my feelings about Nicki. I cant go on like this, pretending that I can only be friends with her. That I was nothing more than a fuck to her. Telling me that friendship had to go with the sex. Oh, she knew all the right buttons to press and all the right things to say and do, to get what she wanted from me.

I cant believe I let her into my life... into my home, and shared the most intimate aspects of my life. I feel like such a fool. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry.

God, please help me to get over her. This pain is terrible.

If I post this, I will always have this to remember to her. To keep her alive in my life. What's much worse is knowing that she is in my mind and in my soul and that I put her there. I trusted her, and look what it got me... a broken heart. I feel like her victom, her pray. And evening knowing that, I put myself in harm's way with her.

This is a painful experience and I hope I understand someday what the lesson is. I know there is a good one, here. But for now, I just want to get some sleep. My girls need me to be strong and there for them. I need to be strong and there for me, too.

I love you Chris. You're the best. You have a good, trusting heart that will someday be appreciated by someone special.