Lyrical Fool

Christmas morning 2010.

2010-12-25T02:45:00.000-08:00

Good morning world. It's 5:30am on Christmas morning and I am tired and feeling a bit anxious. I guess I am trying to understand why. The last few nights I have been dreaming a lot, which I dont do very often. But only when something is really bothering me. My theory is that as we get closer to Christmas day, I am remembering the pain I went through last Christmas with Bela. Plus, the last few weeks I have been experiencing this spreading pain and tingling feelings in my arms and legs has also been making me nervous. I am worried about this. I hope it's nothing serious.
This time last year was a very bad time for me, with all the bad things happening with Bela and the breakups. It almost doesnt seem real now. She seems like a fading memory. This is probably a good thing, since a lot of those memories were very painful. I have had urges to contact her and wish her a merry christmas and maybe send her some pics of the girls. But my protective mechanisms are pulling me back to reality. I dont want to put myself through that torture again. And I dont want to upset her either in any way. At this point I just want both of us to be happy in our lives. Bela, I know you cant read this or know my thoughts, but if I could I would wish you a very merry christmas and a happy new year.
So I paused typing here for a few mins because again I got the urge to send her an email. It's a bit scary, because some of those old thoughts and feelings are coming back. The ones that used to haunt me night after night, and not let me sleep. Maybe that's why I am having all those dreams and the pains. In some ways I still cant believe that I put myself through all that pain with her... and went back for more and more. I hope I never do that to myself again.
I deserve love, happiness and respect. I'm worth it. I love me and all I have accomplished in my life. I am starting to accept that I am a good person and that I am a capable adult, someone to be respected and relied on. Someone who can give AND receive love.
I see the way I am with Luisa. I finally feel like I can be myself. She has not judged me or asked me to change and she has encouraged who I am. I feel like we are a team and that we work well together. The lines of communication are always open with her... no secrets or hidden agendas like I used to experience with Bela. What a difference to last year at this same time.
I really enjoy being with Luisa. She is so many wonderful things and I can easily see myself building a life with her. I could see myself asking her to marry me. I could see myself being really good with her son and her parents and brother. I could see Ourania and Franciska enjoying her kids too. I see so much good potential here and I am not scared about it. I cant wait for it to become a reality. It almost cant come fast enough for me. I know I have to be patient this time and not force things. Just be thankful for each day, each email, each little gift that we give each other throughout each day. I want to treasure this, the same way she calls me Tesoro which in Italian means little treasure and I call her Cara mia which mean my dear.
I could say a lot more but I want to go back to sleep now. I feel like I have vented and ready for a bit more sleep. Merry Christmas Chris. I love you.

Cant sleep again.

2010-05-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

I was doing better and now this. It's 2:30am and I have been tossing and turning for a while. I went to sleep about 2 hours ago and now I am awake. This sucks. And I dont know why. What's causing this. I had a great night sleep yesterday and I had a really good day today. I accomplished everything I wanted to. Maybe it was all the popcorn and pop I ate and drank. Maybe it was the porn site I went to. Maybe it was all the looking I did at the Mugello race and travel info. Maybe it's from Friday night after work, I was in a bad mood. I tried the breathing technique which worked yesterday, but today it's not helping me. So maybe the writing will help me, like it did the other day. I never thought I'd experience so much insomnia. I guess it happens to people and I am human like the rest. Does this have something to do with Bela? I was expecting a note back from her, but nothing. So maybe I am upset about that. I dont know. I really shouldnt care, and part of me doesnt. But part of me does. Part of me feels guilty about Tammy and using her to get through my birthday. Did I? I tried my best not to lead her on, but it seems that somehow I did. Fuck, I really didnt want to. I just wanted someone to dance with. Maybe I just wasnt clear enough about my intentions. Maybe it's because Bela is not being clear with me and I am not satisfied with her answer of being friends and seeing what happens. Well that's always been her way: to be vague and unclear. Then again, she has said over and over again that she cannot give me what I need. Why I cant I just accept that? And move on? And let go. God, please help me. I dont know what to do. All I want is a good night's sleep and to have happiness in my heart. I know lessons need to be hard in order to learn something, but in this case I dont know what you are trying to teach me.

Not sure right now

2010-04-15T03:09:00.000-07:00

I went out on this date last night with Kelly. She is cute and seems very sweet. I managed to talk a lot and that is not usual. Normally, I do a lot of listening and commenting on what is being said to me. So I liked that. But I just didnt feel that wow-factor.

Of course, I didnt feel that wow-factor with any of the women I've gone out with so far, since I ended it with Bela. And now I am starting to wonder if it's them or it's me.

I think about Bela so much that maybe it's just not possible right now to give any woman a fair chance. Maybe I am still in love with her and this is not a good time to be meeting new people. But I am afraid that this feeling I have for her will not go away. I have a feeling it will keep lingering for a long time to come. And what makes it linger is that I know she still loves me, but wont let us try again.

So what to do? Logically, I know I have to move on. But my thoughts and my heart are not letting me. I'm scared. When will I stop feeling this way? People make it sound so easy to just move on. To just keep living life. I can listen to inspiritional sayings and they lift me up, for a time. But then I come back down and I'm left with me again... the same guy who has all those crazy thoughts and strong feelings for Bela.

So what do I do? Do I continue dating in the hopes that I will get that feeling? That wow-factor. Or do I take a break from it and re-charge my batteries? Let's face it, I've been dating ever since I moved out of my bedroom with Kia. I've gone from woman to woman to woman, non-stop. And none of them has worked out. Why? Because I ended it with almost all of them after a few months. I got my thrill and sex out of them and then ended it.

But with Bela, I gave her my whole life. I gave her my body and my heart. I gave her my thoughts and my kids. I gave her things that I never gave anyone else. It's no wonder I feel this way. How do you give someone so much and then let go? How do you move on when you dont want to move on, even though it makes total sense to do so.

Is being by myself the answer? I'm scared to be by myself. It's a very lonely feeling and I feel anxious when I am. The things I used to enjoy just dont have the same fulfillment for me. I'll do them, but it's just not the same. I guess I really have no choice, though. Maybe it's just a matter of living life each day and one day I'll break through and start having those feelings again.

For now, I just want to even have simple things like a good night's sleep and feeling refreshed when I wake up. And going to the gym on a regular basis. And feeling inspired when I am at work. And enjoy my time with the kids when they are with me. Or feel relaxed when I am watching a movie. These are the simple things that today elude me. How am I supposed to enjoy life and any of my dates if I cannot even enjoy these things?

~Chris.

Closure

2010-01-30T21:24:00.000-08:00

So here I am, lying in bed after breaking up with Bela, yet again. This time was very different, though. Previously, I broke up with her out of blind rage. There was no discussion, just reaction. This time, I was determined to talk it through with her. And I did. And at the end, I could see the look in her eyes that told me how she was really feeling. She didnt have to tell me anything... I knew it was over.

Then again, I knew it was over a while ago... I was just too scared to be by myself and I also felt bad for the impulsive, angry way I ended it before. I felt like this was my chance at a do-over... I really wanted to have this talk with her before. But we just avoided it. We avoided the inevitable, maybe to avoid the pain of saying good bye and the fear of being alone... and the fear of the unkown.

I'm not feeling much emotion, at the moment, as I did before. I am scared about not being able to sleep, like I have been lately. I'll say my prayers and deal with whatever happens next. God, please take mercy on my soul. I really hope I handled things well, this time. Did I?

This wasnt going to get any better. It was so obvious it was going to get worse. We are good together in some ways, but then bad together in other ways... ways too important to ignore and sober up to the realities of. Sometimes things are inexplicable and we try to fight them, like we think that if we just put the effort in, we can make it into something we so desparately want or need. We were never going to be what each other needed. In that way, she is right... we cannot be something that we are not.

She said that I was too needy. I know I can be. I know I need re-assurance and my ego stroked occasionally. Dont we all need that, sometimes? Like she said, she is not that type of person to sugarcoat. She is rough and realistic and I am an overly-sensitive dreamer. That is definitely not a good match. I need someone a little more soothing and gentle. I always felt like I had to have my guard up with her, and that is not good. When my guard is up, I get more defensive. How can I accommodate you if you cannot accommodate me?

She said that no matter what woman I go out with, there will always be obstacles. It wont matter if she has kids, has no kids, has younger kids or adult kids. I agree, in that sense. But where we differ is that she has a take it or leave it attitude and I dont. To her, there is no such thing as compromise. You either accept the person as-is, or you dont. For me, couples need to be able to work on things. A successful partnership is hard-work... it takes teamwork. It means both sides accommodate and be flexible. It means you try to understand each other and make adjustments, when that understanding is in place. I could never understand why she just couldnt tell me the problems she had with me. Now I do.

Maybe I am a dreamer. But at least I am willing to try. I said to her that the guy she once told me about is out there. She once told me that she never got that guy because she never put it out into the universe, that she wanted it. Well when I asked her about that again today, she said she would never get it. So to me that means she is going to settle for me, since she cant get what she really wants. That means she'll never really be happy with me. And if she's not really happy with me, she wont put in the effort.

And you know what, I've been seeing that lack of effort from her towards me for the last couple of months. It was so obvious. The first few months, we talked on the phone a few times a day. There were lots of emails. We saw each other a regular basis. We slept over at each other's homes. That wasnt a dream. I remember it all very clearly. And I missed it terribly. I still do. The sad thing is I dont think I'll ever experience that again with her, even if we stayed together.

It wasnt right for us to continue on this way. We had a hard time letting go, she and I, because we do love each other. The emotions got the better of us. And why not. We both gave it 100% right from the very start. We threw everything we had it. We both rushed it, but hey, that's our style. We both got carried away by the thrill of the moment. We both felt that euphoria and wanted it to be right, so badly.

This is shame that it didnt work out. We had a chemistry that was cosmic. When we made love, it's like we were on another planet. God, I really hope I can experience this again with someone else.

Thank you Bela, for coming into my life and loving me so much. For teaching me things I use in my daily life. Thank you for being patient with me, when I didnt deserve your extra chances. There is much about you I dont like and many things that happened that displeased me and I wont forget those either.

Good bye, for now.

Chris.

It's done.

2009-12-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a letter I posted on eHarmony advice on Dec 26, 2009.

I wanted to close the loop on this post by providing an update.

Last night, I ended it with her.

We were supposed to get together yesterday for Xmas. I waited all day for her to call me back to tell me what time she was coming over. I sent her emails and left her a voice message throughout the day, with no response. I talked briefly to her around 1pm and asked her what time we'd see each other and she said she'd call me back to let me know. At 4:30pm, I tried calling and got voicemail. There were no responses to my emails and so I finally got frustrated/mad and gave up.

At 5:30 she called me and said she's gonna take a quick shower and then come over. At that point I was really upset and said I didnt want to see her. I felt like I was being used for her own convenience and told her as much. I am not going to be at someone's beckon call, especially someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

So I said my goodnight and hung up. I decided to just leave it at that and really think about things. After a couple of hours, she sends me an email telling me that she had made plans with her friends to go out on Saturday night and that she'd like to come over to have sex during the day. I was furious. I had told her that I didnt have my kids this weekend and she makes plans with her friends on Saturday night? And then just needs to use me for sex? I said no to that, too. I want more than to be a convenient 'lay'.

That was the last straw.

So I told her that we were "missing" each other... like we werent on the same page. I told her that I wasnt happy and that I hadnt been for some time. And that it wasnt fair for us to keep coming back to this same argument. I told her that she had her neat and tidy life exactly the way she wanted it, and I was there to fill in the gaps. That I was nothing more than a convenience to her. To which she agreed she was selfish, in that regard.

And I told her that she was just being herself and going after what she wanted and made her happy. And I was trying to do the same. But it was obvious that what we wanted were two different things. And that's ok. Over time with a person, you get to learn these things. And I told her that I really loved her, but that sometimes love just isnt enough. It has to make sense, too. And it just wasnt making sense anymore.

I realized finally that I was becoming a small, interchangeable piece of her puzzle. One that she could put in, take out and move around at her leisure and convenience. For me, she was a big piece of my puzzle that I was trying desperately to fit in and keep in. And when the piece was pulled out without warning and with no sense of when it was going to be put back in or in what form, I felt like there was a gaping hole in my puzzle. And that stressed me to the max.

So now I understand that we wanted two very different things from a relationship. It's hard to accept, though. It hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

I will definitely take a piece of her with me.

And just one bit of information on the NYE-thing. I told her again how much it bugged me about us not being together on NYE. To which she told me that I'd be happy to know that she was probably going to stay home that night. I guess her friend had let her down about going out with her. I really felt sorry for her, but I just shook my head. She made her decision to not be with me on NYE and that really hurt me. It's ironic how that turned out.

Anyhow, I had a really rough night of it. I tried to distract myself with tv and reading, but it was no use. I just lay in bed... with a million thoughts going through my head. Going to sleep was difficult and I woke up just before 5am. All I could think about was her. Thankfully my kids arent here this weekend. I need some alone time.

You know, I thought I'd be more upset. I thought I was going to be crushed and really emotional. I suppose that could still happen. But in a small way, I feel lighter and a bit relieved. I know I am going to grieve over this, though I dont know for how long. And I know I am going to feel lonely and confused. I just have to go through it and survive, and eventually I'll be ok.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my notes and to offer your thoughts, opinions and advice. You opened my mind up to new ways of thinking about the situation and it really did help me to make my decision.

Good luck to you all and have a wonderful 2010.

Chris.

Dont know what to do.

2009-12-19T03:34:00.000-08:00

Or maybe I do know, but I'm scared to do it.

I got her that XMas present because I wanted to see her in that outfit. I wanted to use those things on her and I wanted her to use them on me. She said to me in an email that she wanted to explore our kinky sides. I thought that getting these things would help us to do that. And it's not the typical, everyday thing. I thought she would appreciate getting something really out of the ordinary.

Was I selfish? Should I have gotten her that ring or that locket I saw? I remember how I felt when I was buying it at the store. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I was thinking too much about what would make me happy, instead of what would make her happy. I like going to that store, but she doesnt.

I'd like to keep it and use them with her. I was really looking forward to it and I got the sense that she was excited about it, too. But not as a XMas present. I made a mistake and it's hard to accept. Especially since she told me to take it all back. That hurt.

I really miss those days of sleeping at each other's places. I remember how I felt, how happy and excited I was about life. I remember feeling like I had this great woman taking care of me, in the morning... making me breakfast and a tea, to go. I felt like I had a loving wife sending me off to work. I never had that with Kia, so when I got that from Bela, I was very happy. But will I get that, again?

I havent had that for a long time. Since her daughter and mother came are living with her, things have really changed. We havent had sex at her place for a long time. I dont even remember the last time. And I havent slept there since September, when Sofia came home. Her mom will leave soon, but her daughter will still be there. And now that her boyfirend is here, there's even less privacy. And how come he can sleep over, but I cant?

I want it to be like it was back then, but it cant be. And it's obvious she doesnt like sleeping over here, anymore. Funny, even though she didnt sleep so well and had to fight the traffic back then, she seemed to be ok with it. Now, she doesnt want to. I miss having someone lying beside me, when I wake up. It doesnt have to be all the time, but sometimes it's nice.

I am ok with the distance between us. I have gotten used to the drive and the 407 charges. And when the winter and snow comes, it'll be harder, but that wont stop me. Unless it's a terrible snowstorm, that's different. Bela is making it sound like I am going to see her even less, with the bad weather coming. And she mentioned how she doent like the traffic or 407 charges. I cant say I blame her. I dont like them either. Maybe we are just too far apart, to make it practical.

If we lived closer to each other, then it would be a lot easier. I've even thought about moving closer to her. Buying a condo down at DVP and Eglinton. But I am happy where I am. It works for me. And it's the same for her. She is happy where she is and I dont see her wanting to move. So neither if us wants to move. We both want to stay where we are, which is too far apart. But it wouldnt be so bad if we could sleep over now and again. But how can I be happy knowing she'll be exhausted the next morning? And knowing that she has to fight that insane traffic into the city. It's not fair to her. She's needs to be sleeping in her own bed... in her own place, right above her salon. It doesnt get any better than that for her. And she definitely needs her own space.

And when I come home from her place after 11pm, then I am too tired too go to the gym the next morning. She makes it really hard for me to leave. I can tell she really wants me to stay a little longer.

Log update Nov 5

2009-11-05T05:30:00.001-08:00

Well, Bela and I had are first real blow-out. Our voices were raised and we were almost yelling at each other. No matter what we said to each other, neither of us would budge from our positions. Tell you the truth, I am not so sure if that is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I think it's bad because we are going to butt heads a lot. On the other hand, is butting heads a bad thing? I mean, marriage takes teamwork. It means working together.

Ok, so what does working together mean? It doesnt automatically mean 'bliss', does it? During our heated conversation/fight, we didnt say mean things to each other. Yes, we raised our voices, but it never escalated to the point where we were using foul language or calling each other disrespectful names. But shouldnt working together also means that there is room for compromise?

Like I asked her to be a little more considerate with how she talks to me, is that asking too much? At that point, could she not make a small concession for me? Why does it have to turn into a fight? Dont kid yourself, it's always going to be like that. It's her style. She wont back down and she hates to lose. However, I am noticing that she does take what I say to heart, even if in the moment she comes across as defensive when I first bring it up. It's a natural reaction for her. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing... you know, fight or flight.

I just realized, I am more flight and she is more fight. But last night was more where were both fighting. So I guess I adapted to the situation and to her style. That's me, the chameleon. I just blend in.

So now I ask myself, what now? Well, I gave myself these mantra's:
1. Be patient - well, I guess I should let the dust settle on all this and give this some more time. I am a little skepticle, but I should give her a chance. Time will tell how she actually responds to my request of not being so rough with me.
2. Be kind - funny, I had to look up this word. But it means: "of a good nature or disposition" & "indulgent, considerate, or helpful" & "mild; gentle"... ok, so I just sent my Bela loving, happy note this morning and I am indulging her desire for me to be a less sensitive.
3. Be ok on my own - truthfully, the thought of losing Bela was partly driven by the thought of being alone. And that I didnt want to start this whole dating process all over again. I am tired of it. And each new woman I meet starts off the same, with being great and then the problems start coming out. First it was Franca, then it was Eniko, then Verica, then Siobhan, then, etc, etc. So am I seeing this? Even if I were to end it with Bela and start anew with someone else, a few months down the road I'd be in this situation again. Chris, NO ONE is perfect. There is always going to be something that pisses you off about them. You know, I was so supremely patient with Kia, and hung on for dear life, even after all those crappy things that happened between us. So maybe I hung on too long and let it go too far. I should have cut it off sooner. But now I think I am overly-sensitive because I am over-compensating for that. So it's like the pendulum has swung the other way. So every little thing that bugs me is causing me to run-for-the-hills. So it's ok to be on my own, and I should have realized that a lot sooner with Kia. Maybe I wouldnt be so sensitive now.
4. Let go of the past - this is very difficult to do. But further to what I said above, I cannot let my experience of hanging on too long with Kia now make it impossible for me to find true love and happiness ever again. Otherwise, I am just going to repeat this pattern of meeting and losing good women.
5. Being open to change - I have to do this. I cant keep internalizing, so when something comes up that bugs me, then just say something... in the moment. Dont be afraid if what you say doesnt come out perfectly. With time and practice, you will get better at it.
6. Accept the unknown - I dont know how she is going to be tomorrow, next week, next year or 30 years from now. I just have no idea of what's around the bend, for me or for us. So I guess all I can really do is to just live one day at a time. Live in the moment. Seize the day. Like for example, I should just book these tickets to Paris. I dont know if we'll be together then, but we are together now and I assume we will be together then. And if we arent, so be it. She is a decent person. I'm sure we'd work something out.

My Bela

2009-10-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where to begin.

This ride I have been on with Bela has been a world-wind experience. I didnt think I would fall in love this hard again. Going back over previous posts, I am reminded of moments in time with other women, that were both good and bad. Like reading about what happened with Nicki, I was reminded of how bad I felt and how I needed to take my time with a woman.

I promised myself that I would be more controlled, but am I doing that with Bela? No. There is nothing controlled about us. We both just go for it. We both have been hurt and potentially jaded by our experiences, in the past. But yet, we go back for more. We dont let these experiences from jading us to the point where we cant fully enjoy life and be open to new and wonderful experiences. So I think we are on the same page, in that sense.

Although, I am concerned that she is still a bit stung by her last relationship with George. I dont really care about what he did, but I can tell that she has healing wounds from that. I hope that she is using me to help heal those wounds, like being on the rebound. If she was, I dont think she is doing it maliciously. It might just be that she is conciously aware of what she is doing. She did mention a couple of times that put pictures of us on High5 (?) so that her ex could see them, like telling him to leave her alone.

Based on her experiences, it seems like she wants to be in the long-term, committed relationships. Well, all except her marriage. That didnt last very long, but she did have a kid with the guy, so that is a pretty big committment. And there was Carlos and George, both of whom she moved in with and lived for several years each. At least I like the way she doesnt give up so easily, like Kia did.

Well, that's not totally true. Kia was with me for 10 years and we did everything a couple could possibly do to make their marriage work. Maybe we tried too hard. Like I heard that line in that old movie the other day: love has to stop short of suicide.

But did we? Yes, were together for a long time, but that doesnt mean we tried hard to make it happy or work. Yes, we did the things that are expected of a married couple, like engagements, weddings, buying houses, having kids, doing the chores, attending family functions, etc. But did we ever really try at our relationship? Did we ever truly 'love' each other? It all seemed so mechanical and we did what was expected of us. What kind of a relationship is that? We followed the rules, but there was no love.

I'm inclined to say 'fuck the rules.' Just do whatever makes you happy in the moment. And if other people dont like that, too bad. Of course, a little bit of common sense and due dilligence are important for me. I have to have some balance between love and logic. Like I just cant pretend that something isnt bugging me or that I want to achieve things in life, and that person wont take me there.

That's what happened with Kia. I knew that I had achieved everything I was going to achieve together with her. I knew that if I stayed longer, I would lose everything I had achieved and that it would be downhill, from there. So I had to cut my losses for the sake of brighter future.

And that is what I want: a brighter future. I want a 'real' partner. Someone I can work with and talk things through. Someone who is not just going to railroad me and force things through on me, like Kia did. And that is what I feel I am getting from Bela. We can talk things through. We can work together and come to an agreement and be happy with it. I feel equal to her in this relationship. I wonder if she feels that way? Well, here is what she said in her last email to me:

"I love you even more for being so considerate about my feeling, you did notice that I was a bit stressed about that right? You notice these things and you try to help, I really appreciate that."

I guess that answers my question. See, this is the type of logic I like to use and it makes me feel better about us. And I feel more confident that what we have is real and can make me happy not just now, in the moment, but also in the long-run. I have certain needs in a relationship, like there has to be communication... for good or bad. But there has to be communincation. She is better in the moment with her feelings, than I am. When something is bugging her, she'll tell you in a controlled way. Me, I will internalize my feelings and let them 'bake', until they become more obvious to me.

So in this case, we are different in our approaches to dealing with our feelings. Is that bad or good? Will being opposite this way be a problem for us, in the future? Using this as an example, it turned out well. She said she was stressed last night. In that moment, I said we would find a way to work it out, because I didnt want to feel pain or discomfort. I just wanted to have fun last night and wash the cares of the world away. I know how her mind works: she did stress about it and wanted to talk about to resolve it, but when she saw that I didnt want to, she pushed her needs aside and had a good time, regardless. It's like she took a chance to trust me. And then I internalized, worked out what was good for me and then told her what I was thinking. I didnt want to leave her hanging, because I love her too much to stress like that. And the end result is that she is happy that I was attuned to her feelings and that I was willing to make a change to make her happy. So now we are both happy with outcome.

Ok, that is all I can type for now. There is more I could type, but I am tired and I'd like ask her some questions, so I can know what she is thinking about things, too.

Definitely, to be continued...

Chris.

A bit in the dumps this morning.

2009-09-18T04:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have a sign on my head that says: "please dump on me." I'm getting tired of people criticizing me and making me feel guilty. And what I dont understand is why I take it. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve to be loved. Sometimes it feels more 'natural' to be receive pain.

Yesterday, when Joe called on the phone, I tried to make him feel guilty for not calling me sooner. Usually, he does that to me when he calls me. I was trying to do it to him, before he did it to me. And that is soooo not like me. I hate being like that.

When I was at work yesterday and I had my review with my manager, we talked about people's perception of me. How some people dont want to work with me, because I am defensive and how I need to make myself better, so that I can move up to higher positions. Shit, they're not any better.

And when I am trying to perform at work, I have Kia pressuring me directly, and through the kids, to get her way. Yelling at me, talking down to me, fuck, makes me mad.

Is it possible to not expose myself to that? Or is just part of the human condition. Little by little, each day, someone is chipping away at my psyche. It's so insidious. Without realizing it, I'm in a situation where I'm being dumped on.

I dont want to seem hard, or closed, but on the other hand, I dont want to be the world's doormat. I dont want to be the patient that needs to be psycho-analysed.

I want to pull myself out of this funk, cuz I want to be happy. I just have to get through this. Pain is our greatest teacher. You see, if I believe that, then that means the only way I am going to learn is to receive painful experiences.

Maybe that's what I need to change. Look for experiences of love and happiness.

I'm making it.

2009-04-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well, today was tough for me. I felt this terrible knot inside my chest. It was a mixture of dread, fear, excitement and regret. It is directly linked to my ending it with Nicki. And also the way I ended it. I took a pretty drastic measure and accused her of using me as one of "friends" (aka - boy-toys). I also de-friended her on Facebook... and this was the second time I did that. I think I pretty much destroyed anything we had left. I was pretty damn angry.

I mean, she never told about the other guy she was seeing for "a long time." I was pretty open with her about other dates that I was going on. She was going for "a coffee" with him?? BS!! She was going to get laid. And then she has the nerve to tell me she is having a "sleep-over" with someone new she just met?! Well, what the hell. Why not? She did the exact-same thing with me? She just me and the very next day, we were in bed together. She even asked me if we could go back to my condo.

It's no wonder her vagina seemed so loose. God, just how many men has she been screwing?? I cant believe I was falling for this woman. She definately is a man-eater. She does it so well. Does and says everything you want, and wham-bam, she gets her action. She really is a player and I got played... plain and simple. Like the Fleetwood Mac song said: "players only love you when they're playing." The way she would hold me... the way she would look at me. God, I fell for it hook-line-and-sinker. And hard!!

You know, I knew something was up with this girl right from the moment I met her, to moment she contacted me on Facebook. But I just couldnt put my finger on it. I this terrible mis-trust with her, but yet I didnt follow my instinct. I am trying to remember back, to that moment. Maybe I was lonely and vulnerable. I opened the door and let myself open to be taken advantage of. Using her own metaphor, I was the lambing sticking my head in the mouth of the lion. What an idiot I was! And still am.

At least when I was with Siobhan, I was with her and her only and I gave a real shot. It didnt work out, but at least I didnt sleep with countless other women, while I was with her.

Nicki is a man-eater. Tony said to stay away from her. Her own cousing told me that she was bad news. And why stay away from her? His exact words: "once a cheater, always a cheater." According to Tony, her marriage had ended because of an affair she had. I didnt want to believe him. I wanted to believe it was just family gossip or hear-say.

And she tells me that even though she broke-up in 2005, she didnt date at all since 2008? And then she was in a relationship with one guy for the whole year? So for 2+ years she didnt date all? BS! Maybe she with the guy she had the affair with. I mean, she didnt tell me she was seeing another guy while she was seeing me. And even though I told her about every date I had, she didnt say a peep to me about this guy, or any others. All she would keep saying was how happy she was to know that I was seeing other people. I always found that a bit odd. It was like she was saying: yes, yes, please see other people so I dont have to feel guilty.

Ok, now I'm mad. Here I was feeling sad that I ended it with this really great girl who I was ready to spend all my time with, and all along she was just using me for sex... for her own personal agenda. She's nothing more than a cold-hearted snake. And I let myself be her victom. This whole weekend I was sick-to-my stomach, worried over her and was I doing the right thing.

Maybe I didnt do it in the nicest way. Maybe I could have been more tactful. But hell, now I realize she was cool and calculating. She was devious and under-handed. She gave me just enough info to draw me in. So why the hell should I be so stressed out about this?

I had to protect myself. I was heading for a serious fall. Even she said that she thought about ending with me, for that reason. But did that stop her? Did she end it with me, even though she knew I was falling for her? Oh no, because then she wouldnt have gotten what she wanted.

I hope I did hurt her. I hope I did pierce her armour, even if it was just a little bit. She cant just go around doing that to people, and not realize how much pain she is causing.

Epiphany? Is that why I was supposed to meet her? Is that why, God? Did she need this? Did I need this because I was getting so desensitized, myself? That I was getting jaded? Maybe I never stopped being jaded, from my divorce. It's like she messed me up like Kia did. She was just using me, like Kia did. And I was falling for it, just like I did with Kia.

Is this why we needed to meet? Is it, God?

I always thought I was being pretty honest with women, and myself. Nicki did tell me from the beginning, that she wanted to keep things open and see other people, too. But at least along the way, I was open with her and told her about the other women I went on dates with. If she was seeing this other guy for awhile, why couldnt she just tell me that, when we first started talking. I tell that to other women, if there is someone else. It's not easy, but I do it.

I dont know. It just all sucks! Sometimes I dont even think I should be dating. Maybe I've become too jaded. Am I, God? Shoud I give up, at least for a little while? Why doesnt that feel like the right thing to do?

Well, at least the good thing is that now Nicki is out of my life, for good. There's no turning back now. I made sure of that. My actions were like chemotherapy to our relationship. And knowing that I am in the free and clear of her, physicall and emotionally, I give myself freely to someone new, should they happen to come into my life. If Nicki was still there, I'd be caught up in this emotional entanglement, with her. Now, that's not the case. I'm free as a bird.

She messed me up pretty bad, but now I put things back to the right path. She de-railed me, but now I've got control back. The ball is back in my court and I'm ready to give myself to someone worthy.

I want to make a real effort now, to be more careful with a women's feelings. For too long, I've been cool and calculating myself. I havent been open to anything real. I've been too fast with women, coming on too strong, too quickly. I need to be a bit more controlled... a bit more thoughtful in my approach. I now realize how much it hurts to be manipulated and misled. Chris, do not do this to women. Please try not too. I know it will be hard. But please try.

Ok, I'm tired of typing now and my vision is getting blurry. I needed to get this off my chest, and I'm glad I did.

Good night,

Chris.

Messed Up at 2:30am

2009-04-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where to begin with this one. I never thought I'd have my heart broken, again. It was bad enough when I lost Kia, but I now I am losing Nicki, too.

But did I ever really have her in the first place? I think that is what hurts the most. I let myself fall in love with her, but it was under false pretenses. When she would hold me, kiss me, call me, text me, I felt like I was the only one. That no one else mattered to her, in the world. It made me feel really special. So when I found out that she's been with other men in the meantime, it shattered all those feelings. It really hurt.

And even though I knew that, I pretended that I could just be friends with her. Truth is, I cant just be friends with her. Because every time I come in contact with her, I want more than I can have. God, why did she have to come back into my life! Why the hell did she have to contact me after all these years. Why did I let her back into my life? Why did I do this to myself? My head just feels so messed up, right now.

It's 2am and I woke up in panic... in a cold sweat. I have to deal with my feelings about Nicki. I cant go on like this, pretending that I can only be friends with her. That I was nothing more than a fuck to her. Telling me that friendship had to go with the sex. Oh, she knew all the right buttons to press and all the right things to say and do, to get what she wanted from me.

I cant believe I let her into my life... into my home, and shared the most intimate aspects of my life. I feel like such a fool. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry.

God, please help me to get over her. This pain is terrible.

If I post this, I will always have this to remember to her. To keep her alive in my life. What's much worse is knowing that she is in my mind and in my soul and that I put her there. I trusted her, and look what it got me... a broken heart. I feel like her victom, her pray. And evening knowing that, I put myself in harm's way with her.

This is a painful experience and I hope I understand someday what the lesson is. I know there is a good one, here. But for now, I just want to get some sleep. My girls need me to be strong and there for them. I need to be strong and there for me, too.

I love you Chris. You're the best. You have a good, trusting heart that will someday be appreciated by someone special.

You're My Inspiration

2008-11-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

Nancy, I'd like to thank you for coming into my life. A friend recently told me that people come into our lives for either a season, a reason, or a lifetime. While all of these apply, the biggest reason was to help mentor me through the darkness of my separation and divorce. Your example taught me that even though it was not going to be easym there was happiness and light at the end of the tunnel. You yourself went through a terrible life with your ex-husband and watched your world crumble around you. But you fought back, even when maybe you wanted to throw in the towel. You are the quintessential survivor. But not only have you survived, you have thrived. You have your own successful business, you have a lovely home with lots of wonderful family and friends, two great kids, and now, NOW, you have found the long-awaited true love of your life! In a most least-expected way, you bumped into each other in line at a Starbucks and fell in-love instantly. You couldnt have been more star-crossed, if you tried. A year later, you are married and happier than ever. Oh sure, you have your share of lifes challenges. But I just love to hear you say that he takes your breath-away and brings you such joy and happiness. Your experience tells me that there is always hope. That even through all the crap life has to give you, in the end, you can still find happiness. And that despair can lead to fulfillment, if you just keep chipping away at it, each day. Thank you for showing me that fairy-tales do come true. I hope that you will always be in my life, for more than just a season, or a reason. I have a feeling that as I find my own happiness, I'll need you to help put it into perspective and make sure I am not missing making the most of it.

Nancy and George,

I wish you all the happiness life can afford. When times get tough, you'll love each other, no matter what. That you never give up on each other and climb those mountains and sail above the clouds together.

With love and deep respect,

Your friend,

Chris.

Letter to eHarmony

2008-11-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

Nov 22, 2008:

"Siobhan was one of my matches, that I chose to communicate with. She contacted me, first, and I am glad she did. On our first meeting, she told me she knew what she wanted and was willing to go after it. I am glad I was the one she wanted. It was really easy to let my guard down, with her. I felt like I could tell her anything, and vice versa, she could tell me anything. As I got to know her better, I realized that we had a much deeper chemistry than I had initially anticipated. A poet once said: "I not only love you for who you are, but for who I am when I'm with you." When I am with Siobhan, I feel wonderful all over. She has the ability to put a perma-smile on my face, whether we are on the phone, chatting over email or face-to-face. It is simply marvelous how she makes me feel. We make each other laugh and we both appreciate each other's desire to explore the deep and the emotional. We share many interests, and we are able to teach each other wonderful, new things. It's great that we both have the desire to learn and be open-minded. Without going into too much intimate detail, I'll say that sex is terrific, with her. We are both on the same page, when it comes to our passions. I guess time will tell if what we currently share, lasts. Right now, we see each other about twice a week, given our busy schedules. We both have FT jobs and kids, but we talk every day on the phone and email. I dont think there is any couple who sends each other more YouTube links of romantic songs. I dont know if we'll take it to the next level, one day. I mean, if we move in together or get married, but right now she makes me very happy and I am just going to ride this wave and she wear it takes us. I have met many wonderful women on eHarmony. My experience with this dating service has been very positive and I always recommend it to anyone serious about finding a mate. Thank you eHarmony for providing a wonderful service and for ultimately matching me with a woman who makes each day feel complete."

Learning to Lose

2008-11-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

A quote by my hero, Valentino Rossi (Nov 21, 2008)

"...I learnt to lose, which is an important thing because everybody loses sometimes. The style and the character that you show when you lose is so important for when trying to win another time."

My Roots, My Self

2007-12-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

I now understand the importance of getting to know my own heritage.

In her book The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., says: "If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life."

Now that I am back living with my parents, I feel this wonderful sense of opportunity at a "second chance." When I left home the first time, I felt like I was running away. I felt like there was a lot of unresolved feelings, especially with my father. He had wanted me to move out for a good many years, while my mother wanted me to stay as long as possible. I felt torn because for many years, I was my mother's protector and support system.

But I also felt like I wanted to move on with my life and begin a journey to discover myself. I had only ever thought of myself in terms of the "we" and had little counter-balance in terms of thinking of myself as an "I." So what did my "peeps" do?

Sunday, December 9 - My first history lesson.

I asked my mother and father many questions. I asked them about their parents, their grandparents, their siblings, etc. I wanted to know about their relationships and the family environments they grew up in, and what they saw and what their major influences were. This is what Lerner talks about when she refers to "... the forces that shaped our parents' lives as they shaped ours... When do not know these things, we do not know the self."

My Mother was raised from infancy to age 6 by her grandparents, in another village far away from her parents. Her parents came to visit her, now and again. I asked her why she was raised by them, especially considering that her mother was a housewife. She did not know why. There has to be more to it than that, but I did not want to press too hard. It may be too painful a topic to discuss.

She remembers her grandparents as being very kind, caring and generous. They would show their affections by showering her with gifts. She was virtually an only child, though her grandparents did have a 16 year-old son... though he wasnt around much. Oddly enough, this sounds very much like my situation.

My mother went back to work a few weeks after I was born. Maternity leave was not an option back then, though I still wonder she didnt stay home with me. My father had a good job that paid well. During the week, she told me that I stayed with a babysitter, and that they would pick me up on the weekends. This happened for a about a year, then she quit her job to stay home with me.

My brother was 12 years my senior and I dont remember him all that well. He wasnt around a whole lot. Most of what I know is from photos and my parents' recollections. When I asked him about what he remembered, he said that it was too long ago, and that he had forgotten. Though it was 35 years ago, I found that a bit strange, since he was a teenager at the time. I have lots of memories from my teen-age years.

My grandfather was quite a "Don Juan", according to my mother. He was well-dressed and had the finer-things-in-life. My grandmother came from a wealthy, aristocratic family. This seemed to pay for the high-life that my grandfather was living. He worked the fields of the vineyards he inherited and he also was a life insurance agent. It seems that he was a very enterprising man.

He would also socialize a lot, with and without my grandmother. He had many personal interests and activities, among which included cavorting around town and going out for drinks with the local gentry.

As my mother described her father, I could very much see the resemblances to the man she married - my father. My father is very enterprising and inventive man. He moved to the big city when he was 16 and never looked back. He worked hard in an apprenticeship and became quite skilled in his trade. He was also well-dressed and became a man-about-town, in his own right. He told me the story of when he invited his then 18-year-old sister to the city, and subsequently bought her an expensive dress and purse, and took her around town. That was one of my aunt's fondest memories of her youth.

When they came to Canada, my father was hard-working and industrious. He had a great mind for inventions and was always looking for ways to do things better. He started his own DJ business in 1973. He was quite successful in this endeavour, and was away a good many weekends, partying the nights away.

He was also a good drinker, though I dont recall him being a drunken-slob. He was always well-dressed, very out-going and would go out many nights, drinking with his buddies from work. During this time as well, he managed to have a long-standing affair with one woman. For the record, when I questioned him as to why he did that, he said: "it is easier for a woman to get a man, and not easy for a man to get woman... because women have what a man wants, so they have the upper-hand."

I take this to mean that in his loneliness, he was desparate not to miss any opportunities for happiness. In some ways, I can relate to this feeling. Deep down I think I married Kia because I was worried that she would be the best I could ever do. She was pretty and out-going and seemed very self-confident and self-assured. I felt like how many times in my life would I get this chance.

My mother met my father in the refugee camp, in Austria in 1957. Here was this handsome, well-dressed and self-confident guy that was able to bolster her own self-esteem and calm her fears of life of loneliness and maybe abandonment. It seems to me that maybe she was a bit desparate and hard-up, especially in the incredibly uncertain times of the war-ridelled Europe.

I dont ever seems to recall my father saying anything terribly romantic about my mother, though over the years he did many acts of romance... like flowers, expensive dinners, world-travels, cars, furs, etc. But in all his recollections of the old-days, I dont ever recall him saying that he was head-over-heels in love with my mother or that she was the only one for him or that it was love at first-sight. His seemed to carry more of a pragmatic view of their relationship, rather than one of great love and romance.

I asked him about his parents, and what he remembered about their marriage and his family-life. Oddly enough, the first thing he said was that it was "not overly-romantic or lovey-dovey." He also said that his was would be the one to spank him. I found it a bit odd that those would be the first things that came to his mind about from his childhood memories. Although, I did find it interesting that he did come with some more memories, and we has like a little child, excited to tell me about his father was really involved with them, doing many fun activities with he and his brother and sister. He remembered how his father would take him to church on Sundays and his mother would be at home preparing a nice family meal. His parents would take the kids out to the local pub for a family meal, as well.

I can defintely see a few similarities in my marrige, to those of the marriages in my family history.

My marriage was not terribly romantic or overly lovey-dovey. I would go to work and come home, and for the most part, would want to just talk a bit or to just spend some time on my own... on the computer or watching TV or reading a book. And when the kids came along, I would spend a lot of time with them, after work and dinners. Meal-time was usually quiet and uneventful.

Now that I have been out of the marriage for a while, I find myself doing those romantic and fun things that were atypical for me. I took dancing lessons, I took a course about wine-tasting, I rode the motorcycle a lot, I had developed a network of many new friends, I was dating a few women and actually enjoying the dating process. I bought myself some new clothes and I remade my image.

My best friend - Joe, commented, that soon after I broke up with Kia, "the old Chris came back." That comment really got me to thinking. The man I was in marriage was quite opposite to the man I was outside of marriage. It's like I was two different people.

My rendition of marriage was more a pragmatic arrangement. We were there to support each other, to make sure we were taken care of. We were to have children, build a nest, get old and live out the last years of our lives together... all-the-time never being alone. Happiness and love were sentimentally nice, but unworthy of the effort. So, little effort was made to achive them. Most of the effort and emotion was put into the more practical, every-day considerations, like: the rent, careers, education, mortgages, renovations, children, preparing meals and personal health.

In short, I saw myself going down the same path as my parents and their parents before them. I developed a subconcious fear of living out the rest of my days like generations gone before. Moreover, I was afraid that I was going to be this other guy, whom I didnt want to be, till my death.

Some important other familial influences were: my brother, my aunt and her son - my cousin. My brother lived much the same way as my parents. He would work a lot, and when he came home he would watch TV, read a book or smoke outside, on his own. Soon after his marriage and birth of his first child, his wife had an affair and temporarily moved out. I even remember him moving back home for a few days. The rest of his life, from what I could see, was characterized by an on-again / off-again marriage with infidelity on both parts, 5 children with incredibly rebellious stages, and an incredibly choppy relationship with my parents.

I remember my aunt being this sickly woman, who smoked a ton and was always complaining about her health and practically being house-ridden. I remember my uncle being quite the opposite. Like my father, was hard-working, resourceful, tough and very outgoing. Unlike my father, I did not see him with vices like alcohol or other woman or being a playboy. Though he did seem to always boast about his jewelery. My mother gave me the impression that they were a terrible match, and that now his current girlfriend (my aunt died many years ago), holds a similar disposition to him. The eery thing about it is that she bares an uncanny resemblance to my aunt. And, she had been in love with my uncle from when she was 14 years-old. After a lifetime apart, here they were together... like tow peas-in-a-pod.

So what did I learn from this? All the marriages that I could reference in my family history, seemed to be characterized by a lack of love and overall happiness. It's like the people in them were satisfied with the status quo. They accepted mediocrity and strove for no better. Instead of trying to achieve some semblance of marital bliss, they survived on outside vices and influences... my mother's father and my father with their Don-Juan lifestyles and drinking, my grandmothers and mother with their good-little housewife routines, staying home and cooking meals and remaining obedient to their husbands' needs. My uncle had his jewelery and cars and my brother had his tv and cigarettes.

And me? I had my career, motorcyles, TV, golf, magazines and books and the computer. Now, I have even more interests and distractions. Sometimes I feel like I am running away from the unhappiness, and filling in the time.

I have struggled with the question who-am-I. Am I the boring, married guy or am I the fun-loving, playboy type? In the last few years I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have inherited these extremes from the previous generations. I must now judge for myself what I consider to be right or wrong for my life.

I want to live my life somewhere in the middle. I want to do all the fun things in life, as an individual and as a lover. I want to be a good father to my children. I want to be a good son and brother. And I want to be a good worker with a promising.

NOW I understand why my nickname is Mr. Middleman! It's all so clear now. Deep down, it was inside of me along. I know who I was and where I came from, but also now where I want to go and who I want to be.

Dearest Klari-neni

2007-11-23T04:01:00.000-08:00

Before I say my last goodbye, I'd like to say thank you for leaving me with many wonderful feelings in my heart and beautiful pictures in my memory.

The everlasting gifts you have given me of your kindness, generosity and sweetness, have helped me to be the man I strive to be. It was your warm embraces and soothing voice that I remember most fondly. And I will give these gifts of your spirit to the little ones in my life, in kind.

Your two great-nieces - Ourania and Franciska, told me to say goodbye, as well. They asked me if they could buy you a beautiful bouquet of flowers and make you "Love-Day" cards, for your trip on the airplane, to Heaven. So, here they are.

My only regret is that they never got to meet you in person. I know they would have loved you and embraced you, as I do.

I will miss you terribly. But I know your spirit will always guide and encourage me. One last hug and kiss goodbye.

Kristof

Speed and Innocence Lost

2007-05-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

Today, our lives are permeated with speed and efficiency. At work, we are asked to do more work with less resources. In our daily routines, we have to wake up early, rush to get ourselves and our families ready, to get the off to the daycare or school, and then ourselves to that 9am conference call, which we had to prep for the night before, since we were too busy stressing and sifting through the day’s average load of 100-plus emails and instant messages from 20 different people… who have their own agendas. Ahhh!!!

Then we rush back to the daycare or school, pick our kids back up and rush them home, so that we can make them something half-way decent to eat, listen to all their demands in stereo – when there’s more than one child, poke and prod them into tidying up their room or do their homework, all the while stealing glances at the sink full of dishes and your laptop bag, sitting at the hallway entrance, dreading the 10pm log-on to clear our your mounting inbox!

I know that these are all run-on sentences, that grammatically speaking, are incorrect. But really they are evocative of the kind of lives we lead today. Do we every really get any rest? Our lives are like run-on sentences, aimlessly meandering with one minor crisis after another, with seemingly no end in sight. Worst of all, this becomes the accepted standard with which we live our lives. And why?

Seems ludicrous, doesn’t it? But yet, it’s ‘normal.’ Everything is fast now. We live in a give-it-to-me-now society, in which nothing is sacred anymore. Our kids are growing up faster, we are moving from job-to-job faster, relationship-to-relationship faster, accumulating toys, fashions and useless trinkets of brash opulence faster than ever. Again I ask, why?

Seeing Michael Moorer’s film, Bowling for Columbine, I understood why. The main point her tries to make is that “fear sells.” When are scared or unsure of ourselves, we have gaps in our very beings that need to be filled. And when all else fails, what fills it in better than that cute pair of wedges from NineWest or that 65” inch Sony from Best Buy, or even on a more intrinsic level, an extra-large double-double from Tim Horton’s?

Therein lies the key. We buy stuff to feel better about ourselves. And to facilitate this behaviour, our society has generated a very insidious way of making us buy stuff: by putting fear into us. We get tired from hectic lives and demands that seem to have no end or relief in sight. Hope is lost and we give in, thinking that if I just get that new thing, it’ll all be worth it.

Gaps used to be filled with good time spent with friends, having parties in our basements. We used to be on our bicycles all-day or at the playgrounds. The key was that it was our relationships with people – our family, friends, lovers and neighbours, that put smiles on our faces and warmth in our hearts, so that we could go to bed at night with a sense of peace and fulfillment.

Problem is, that those things don’t generate revenue for anyone. How can anyone be at the stores spending money if they’re at the park, pushing their kids on the swings? So society has been slowly, but surely, pulling us apart… with more work, misdirected values and ass-backward priorities. Isolation is the name of the game. If have I no one turn to for companionship, I’ll just get in my car and drive over to local retailer or jump online and I buy something to make myself feel better.

I’ve noticed that cell phones and Ipods have taken over. When someone pops in the earbuds of their MP3 player, they tune out the rest of the cruel world. In order to make that happen, they have to buy the electronic gadget, buy the handy little accessories they come with and buy (or steal) the songs on-line. And when they get bored of listening to the same songs over and over again, buy some more, day after day, week after week, till their personal library is filled with tens of thousands of songs. All-the-while, who are they interacting with? No one… not friends, family or neighbours. But hey, purchases are being made and money is being spent, and that’s what really counts, after all.

It’s gotten to the point now that even taking time off from work or well-deserved vacation, almost impossible. Sounds dumb, I know. Who fears taking vacation? Reality is that getting someone to back you up while you’re gone is impossible, because everyone is too busy to take on anymore. And when you come back to the office a week later, you’ve got several hundred emails to contend with, even though you are working like you never left. Within a few hours, you are wound right back up and possibly even regretting ever having left the office. So, what do you do to cope? You cant very well complain to the boss, so you steal away to Tim Horton’s for a caffeine fix. Those few precious moments away from your desk will make the troubles of the day go away. “That’ll be $1.95 please.”

Or maybe I’ll check my Hotmail again – for the 10th time today, while unconsciously looking at the internet “real-estate” adds from Lavalife tempting me with “sexy singles” that are “waiting to talk to me today.” Oh, I can tell by her picture that she wants me and my life will be so-much the better once we connect… and for on $19.95 I can starting browsing and sending messages to the these sexy-singles today! Where’s my Visa?

As a society, we are letting this happen… guilty as charged. We are letting the values that we grew up with just disappear. I was just peering in on my parents, watching them read their Sunday paper, sharing a homemade cup-of-coffee, and light banter about the weather. And I thought: “that’s just crazy. How can they just be sitting there? Don’t they realize there’s so much to be done?” And then I realize, the crazy one is really me. I cant even just sit for a few minutes to read a book or watch a good TV program.

In the process of this conspired madness, families, friendships, relationships and our neighbourhoods disintegrate. Our kids grow up faster and we burn out quicker. And why? Just so we can buy more stuff and, voila… feel better about ourselves.

Happy shopping.

Kiss Goodnight, my Love

2007-02-24T20:44:00.000-08:00

11:50pm - I just finished watching a movie called Il Duce Canadese - a true story about the inturnment of thousands of Italian Canadians at the beginning of the WWII. Lives and families were torn apart as a result of innocent husbands and fathers being ripped away from their wives and children. The reason? Well, the reason doesnt really matter... all's fair in love and war, they say. The real story is spoken best in one line, when the father - Angelo, says his only goal is to get the family back together. That's it.

Turmoil and uncertainty are a natural part of the human condition. The idea is not to understand it, but to accept it and to realize what is important in life and put all of our love and energy into that. The ties that bind are sacred and ethereal. They are to be trusted above all else and cherished with a passion shared by the blood coursing through our veigns.

And so I gently stole into my daughters' room as they slept, to hear them breath... to see their peaceful faces, so radiant and calm. All is well in our world, though the rumbling of war is becoming imminent. Innocence lost, innocence gained. And here I stand at the dawning of a new day filled with uncertainty and a troubled soul. Optimism and hope are my guides through this approaching journey descending into the valley of shadows.

They are the cause. They are my everything. I will fight for them and I will fight for me. For I am God, and God is me. I have the ability to affect the world around me. I am not just an innocent by-standard. I will somehow survive and get through this.

And so, as I turn to gently walk out of their room, with echoes of their breathing fresh in my mind, I turn to give them one last kiss.

Goodnight, My Loves... goodnight.

??????????????? Help.

2007-02-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am not sure just exactly how I am feeling right now. Of course, it works well for me to just start typing and find my way. It's being lost in the woods and not sure which way to turn next. There are feelings of fear, anger, stress and hope... all mixed up into one.

I didnt get the girls tonight. Though it had been planned, Kia decided that she wasnt comfortable with them sleeping at my parents' home. She is not comfortable with them being here. This is just ridiculous. My parents love the girls and would do anything for them or me. I have no concerns with them being here. I love them dearly and only want the best for them.

As a result, I found myself with a free night. This is not what I expected or what I was looking forward to. I was driving down to the house to pick the girls up, when Kia phoned me and broke the news to me. I tried very hard not to get angry, since I have to be strong and not show my disappointment. But, it's not easy. I am disappointed and hurt. They're my kids, too. What right does she have to keep them away from me... to make the rules up. I know she's their mother, but come on. I am just as important as she is to the children.

I dont know why she is doing this. Is she out to get me? What? All I know is that it hurts, and there is very little I can do about it. Do I go to court? Do I go to war with her? It all seems so pointless and hurtful. I dont want any part of that. I love my kids but I wont be drawn into a fight. That's just not me. And if it means I dont get to see them as much, then I have to do what is best for me. I wont let myself be manipulated and blackmailed by her.

Like the song says: "You are the lock, you are the key... you are the master of your destiny".

I just have to get used to the fact that this is not going to be easy. For the most part, things have been going well with our seperation. But underneath it all, there is unresolved hurt and pain... for all of us. We try to pretend that we can just move on with our lives, as though nothing has happened... that we can just pretend to be happy-go-lucky, with not a care in the world.

I am concerned about the girls. I know this cant be good for them. It just cant be. Ourania told the teacher yesterday that her mother cut her with a knife. Needless to say, the teacher was very concerned. So was I, but I dont believe she was telling the truth. The school called in Catholic Children's Aid to investigate. I dont blame them. I would have done the same thing. But there is more to this and I believe it relates to our seperation.

Yesterday, I asked Ourania how she felt about Mummy and Daddy not being together anymore. She said it made her happy. Happy? How could that be. No one is happy about this. That comment told me that she is not able to tell the truth. She is probably afraid to tell me the truth, for fear of hurting my feelings and possibly jeopardizing her parents taking care of her. She has a very simplistic view of the world, in which she needs to have her loved ones take care of her... she needs to make us good... so she twists her feelings.

This really sucks! I know it is happening and I dont know what to do. I know I cannot be with Kia anymore. It's over. Even if I thought for a second about getting back together with her, I can never trust her again. There's just no way. Which is really sad, because I would have done anything for her. And I tried my best, but there was no way she was going to let me get close to her. She's all about keeping a comfortable distance... not letting me get too close. It was her parents who taught her that, by their own example of a terrible marriage and divorce. It was her damned father who left the country and virtually abandoned her. It was her mother that abandonded her in their home with her crazy brother.

This is not about me. I am tired of always taking the blame. I am tired of beating myself up for this. I tried. I tried. Please God, I tried. I gave her 10 good years. I did everything she asked of me, and it still wasnt good enough. I was 100% faithfull and still it wasnt good enough. God, why did things have to turn out this way? I know everything happens for a reason, but this, this... just makes me shake my head.

God, please let everything be ok with the girls. Please do Your will with us. I am sure you what is best and right for us. I put my faith and trust in you, to make us all happy and give us what we need.

Thanks!

Love Chris.

Till Death Do Us Part

2007-01-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

I have an idea for a movie / documentary. It would be in the same format as movies like Bowling for Columbine and Supersize Me. Only, this would be about seperation and divorce.
I originally had this idea some time ago, when I first started to go through my situation in my own marriage. At first I was quite ashamed to open up and talk with people about it, and then when I finally did, I was stunned by the amount of people around me that were going through the same thing. It was as though I had personally discovered a societal epidemic.

The more I talked to people and heard their stories, the more disgusted I became. The more I began to scratch my head and wonder why this "epidemic" was happening. And that's the premise for the movie, to answer the question: Why?

My final epiphany for the movie came one as I was driving to work in the morning. I was stopped in traffic and I noticed a sign that someone had posted on a bus shelter. It read: "Divorces for $300". Ok, that just blew me away! What that meant is that divorce had finally arrived as a cheap commodity and was sharing the same advertising stage as roofers, painters and get-rich quick schemes to earn $1000 dollars a week.

Talk about a total anti-thesis to the "sanctity of marriage" that we all seemed to learn somewhere along the way in our lives. It even gives the appearances of demonstrating the symptoms of our disposable society.

Of course there is no end to the people you could interview for this documentary, but the really incidious part of all this, to me is that our government is quietly standing by and not intervening in some way. Marriage and family are supposed to weave the very fabric of our society, so why arent they saying anything publicly?

I got to talking with a friend of mine about this apathy by the government. What we came to realize was that our society in general is moving more towards a sense of individualism. People are coming to depend less on each other and personal relationships. So what, you ask? Well, as we become more isolated from one another, we become more alone and lonely. And what do we do to avoid that? We buy stuff! Like MP3 players, so we can plug in our headphones and tune the world out.

Remember Michael Moorer said in the movie Bowling for Columbine, that "fear sells." When we lose our personal relationships and become 'islands', we buy ourselves stuff to make ourselves feel better. I just spoke with a woman who is recently seperated and she admitted that since she seperated she spent more on herself in one month than in 7 years of marriage. Oddly enough, her ex is doing the same thing.

That's when I came to realize that fear and loneliness sell, which generates big business, creates industries and jobs, tax revenue and helps drive the economy. If a couple splits up, they will theoretically need double of everything. Two homes, with two sets of furniture, etc. Again, more revenue generated for business and more taxes in the government's pockets. With all these benefits, why would the government intervene?

But back to my original question? Why? Why do so many couples seperate and divorce? Why the epidemic? They say 1 in 2 marriages fail. If you talk to enough people about it as I have, you'll get the sense that it is more than 50% of marriages that fail and that it is really dis-heartening. And worse still that there is nothing or anyone out there in the mainstream trying to expose this problem with the desire to try and slow it down.

We had a seperation cousellor with Toronto's Catholic Family Services who said, and I quote: "marriage does not have to be a life sentence." This is the Catholic Church for goodness sake. The same people that told me on my wedding day, "for richer and for poorer, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Wait a minute. That's it! That's the name for the movie - "Till Death Do Us Part."

Anyhow, I have lots of ideas around this. But what I could do is to start interviewing people and documenting what happened in their failed relationships. My point, like Supersize Me, is to expose the truth. To open the doors up and see just what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe we could find some couples that went through the turmoil or who are still in the middle of it, that would be willing to be filmed.

I know it is intensely personal for many people, but I think that makes it all the more compelling and worthwihile and something that other people and couples watching could relate to. Maybe the benefit to this would be letting people know that they are not alone and that the troubles they are experiencing are not unique, and maybe not so bad as to cause a breakup afterall.

Movie Review - Casino Royal

2006-12-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

Terrible. Just awful. What a travesty to a rich movie heritage.

If you really are a Bond afficianado, go see it. You'll likely appreciate Pierce Brosnan all-the-more. If you are not, keep the $10 in your pocket. You're not missing anything.

Trust me. There are a lot of other really good movies you can spend your time and money on.

James Bond 007 is supposed to be a class-act, not a thug. Come on guys! How long have we seen Bond movies for? All of the previous 007s were suave and sophisticated, from Connery to Moore to Brosnan. Even Timothy Dalton wasnt half bad as Bond in The Living Daylights. Damn, was that really 20 years ago!

The problem is that the producers of this latest effort think the audience seems to be desperate housewives. Obvious? I mean, Daniel Craig is the stereotypical badboy, beefcake with the pretty blue eyes and incredible pecs. (Ok, I admit it. I was jealous of his chest. I think I'll have to up my chest routine at the gym.)

I wanted to see the real James Bond. The one scene that really summed it all up was when his sidekick (the female government accountant), literally had to force him to where a tuxedo to a high stakes poker match. I mean... James Bond is supposed to where a tux like you and I wear a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. And the woman has to dress him up to look good?

Typical. The good, sensible woman has to help fix the badboy so he can win the day. Ugh. So cliche. And what's with her saving his ass so many times? Bond is always supposed to have a stash of clever tricks and gadgets up his sleeve to be a self-sufficient, elite, government operative for the Queen, no less. Sad, really sad.

Thankfully, at least the bad guy - Le Chiffre, was decent.

And oh-by-the-way... where was the really great music? The easily recognizable Bond score was very subtle this time. Music can sometimes really take scenes, and sometimes even entire movies and their audiences, over the edge. Again, this movie had a weak soundtrack and was not able to deliver me.

Oh, and producer-guys. A couple of more tips. James Bond does not quit his job for anything... EVER. He does not fall in love with the women he encounters... EVER. He seduces them and enjoys their passions while they lose their breath over him. It's that simple. And that's why the rest of the male population wishes we were James Bond. He is extrememly passionate about his job (I mean, who wouldnt be with a government-issued licence to kill) and is king-stud with the most beautiful, worldly women. He drives the nicest cars and has access to the coolest toys.

I just knew I should have instead gone to see The Holiday. Chick-flick? Maybe so. But at least it's not pretending to be otherwise, like Casino Royale.

Oh, and one final comment: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Want To Leave

2006-12-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

I can smell my impending freedom, like a prisoner about to be let out on early parole. Though, I do not know where I am heading to. I can see the iron gates, as I collect my belongings. There is freedom, just a few, bittersweet steps away. What is on the other side of that wall? Everything I dreamed of? Or an anti-climatic nothingness, staring at the ground before me in an unsettling silence.

For so long, I have unconciously let myself be validated by others, soaring to heights with their praises and then again, driven into the ground by their disapproval, or worse still, their indifference. Which leads me to question, just who the hell am I?

I have never been on my own. There has always been someone there to influence and guide me and to drive or gently push me into becoming the embodiment of what they hold true. Like a lamb, I willingly submit. It is easier to follow direction, blindly, than to blaze my own trails. As a result, I have come to depend rather heavily on others for said direction.

This leaves me to wonder. Do I perpetuate this, as a recognition and acceptance this is who I am? OR, do I rebel against it and take myself into uncharted territories, hopefully gaining myself amidst the clouds of uncertainty? Endeavouring towards 'freedom'? Or to a reclusive oblivion, with not a care for others, only for myself. Is it possible or even realistic to aim for some sort of middleground? Can I be true to both, while giving myself wholly to neither?

I want to be in my own place. Decorate it my own way, take care of it how I want to. Paintings of French cafes, comfortable yet sophisticated. Clean, with little clutter. I dont want to depend on anyone else for its upkeep or maintenance. It has to be small and simple, just a place to sleep and find refuge.

I Finally Saw the Movie - Borat

2006-12-13T06:27:00.000-08:00

I had heard so many good reviews from my friends about the movie - Borat, but I was hesitant to see it. It just looked very low-brow and just plain dumb. I watched the trailer on-line a couple of times, and I still was not very inspired to see it. Note: do not base your opinion on the trailer.

http://www.boratmovie.com/

My brother-in-law saw it and told me that it was really good and it delivered a good message. So, I finally broke down and went to go see it. And I am glad I did.

I needed a really good, gut-busting, laughing so hard I cry, kinda laugh. And it surprisingly delivered. I mean, I havent laughed that hard at any movie for a looooong time. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my reaction to seeing movies like Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles and Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke.

So is there a moral to the story? If there is, it is very subtle. I mean, I spent so much time laughing that I wasnt over-intellectualizing. And that's ok. A good, sincere laugh is just as important.

You definitely realize that Borat uses the backdrop of his 'simpleton' nature to exagerate the short-comings of the cross-section of Americans that he meets and interacts with. It's like when you stick your shovel in the dirt of your garden and un-earth some interesting findings.

Low-brow? Yes. But that is what makes up the fabric of society - the everyday 'joe'. I couldnt help but snicker at the people he was interviewing and thinking: this is everyday America?

There is so much more I could write, but I dont want to over-analyze it. It was a good laugh that I needed. Very timely... 'nuf said.

Strombo

2006-12-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

You have to read this article in Toronto Life Magazine about George Stroumboulopoulos. The only label I can think of for this guy is neurotic. But in a very endearing, stray-cat that only shows up at your house when it's hungry, sort-of-way. It needs to be fed, and your attention feeds it.

Could it be that he is longing for his father that left him when he was young? Like, "...watch this Dad!"

I wont say much more. This is just my initial impression. I feel like his pain is driving him. And if he just stays insanely busy, he will not have to think about his 'losses'.

I am still in the process of internalizing what I've read. It'll grow and I'll have more to say. The guy is a nut... I love it! It's vailed authenticy on steroids.

Enjoy the read. I did.

http://www.torontolife.com/features/rebel-rebel/?pageno=1

Politics Corrupt? Ya think?

2006-12-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

Foreward - this writing is a response I wrote to an email my brother-in-law sent me about the recent discovery of corruption at Hydro One by the CEO - Tom Parkinson.

My response:

This stuff is just so typical. I personally have become quite desensatized to it, as a result. It certainly does not make what happened ok. Cuz it isnt. Corruption is always present wherever their is layer upon layer of beurocracy and crafty people to take advantage of the shadows of secrecy.

Unfortunately, if Tom Parkinson had a legal contract that guaranteed him that money in severance, then the government would have to spend even more money to fight him in court to avoid paying it. And there is no guarantee they would win or even collect. Sad, but true.

It was like the computer leasing scam with Tie Domi's brother - Dash Domi. The City of Toronto ended up paying a huge settlement to the leasing company, since fighting them in court would have cost even more money... and no guarantee of a win either. Sucks, but it happened.

Or what about the Chretien government's $250M advertising scam? I mean, how could Paul Martin or Jean Chretien get off the hook for that? But they did... and some small-time shmo got a slap on the wrist for that. At least they lost the election, which just shows that, at least, the taxpayer / voter wasnt about to let them off-the-hook... thankfully.

It's the element of human nature - greed, that is all-too-often abused on small and large scales every day in the public arena. In the private arena, it has become more difficult, especially for large companies since the exposure of Enron and Worldcom. But, the public sector is a shadowy world that is much more insulated and immune to investigation. It runs the show and we - the voters, give it the mandate to do so, and assume it holds our trust in high regard. They are virtually 'untouchable'.

I remember a few years ago a ward councillor went public (*sorry, cant remember his name) about the budget that he needed to run his office. He only needed $15K a year to run his office, whilst other councillors were spending between $45 and $60K a year to run their offices. Why? Well, he either rode his bike or took a bus to his office. Never expensed his meals, did not have a secretary or take limos, etc. But did those other councillors become accountable? Nope.

And we keep re-electing them.

In Ottawa, an MP only has to be elected once and sit for approximately 2 years and he / she automatically qualifies for a life pension. Ummm, I dont know about you, but I gotta work for many years and keep working to be eligible to collect my pension. Why do you think people want to get into public life - the perks. There are some politicians that are honest, genuine and hard-working, no doubt. But their are others that are not, and they take advantage, cuz the system allows them too... with very few checks and balances. So the chances of getting caught, especially if you are clever, are slim to none.

PS - My parents' neighbour worked for Hydro One for many years. Due to several rounds of layoffs, he was consisitenly working 70 to 80 hour work-weeks. Here's the kicker... he just got laid off recently. I'm sure his severence was not $3M.

But hey, we cant all be CEO's.

Too Attached

2006-12-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

I felt like I was being graded by my my teacher. I was anxious. This wasnt just about my daughter, this was about me as a parent, and as a person.

Yesterday, I went to my first parent-teacher interview as a parent. I was really proud of what the teacher was telling me about my older daughter - Ourania. But, there was one thing she said that Ourania needed to work on. That was to be more sociable with other kids, and not just to get too attached to one person.

It seems that she was spending all of her time with one of the other girls in the class. Several weeks ago, we went to that girl's birthday party and Ourania became frustrated and sad because her friend was spending so much time with the other kids at the party. She felt betrayed.

I tried to explain to her that she wouldnt like it if she was allowed to spend time with other people, so why should she hold that expecation of this girl? And that there were lots of other kids to play with.

At first, I didnt realize the personal significance of this experience. But the interview with the teacher somehow triggered a feeling within me, that she could just as easily be talking about me. They say the apple doesnt fall very far from the tree, after all.

I have had many friends over the years. But, what has become clear is that I am not very good in groups. One-on-one, I feel really comfortable and thrive. But when I am in a group, I feel anxious and out-of-place. Where I really noticed it the most is at family functions for my in-laws.

There was always lots of chatter and lively conversations. I noticed that several of the people there were able to speak to the group, as though they were speaking to one person. However, I always felt scared to speak up. Instead, I would clam up or I would strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to me. I would try to pair off with that person in our own private conversation, so that I wouldnt have to address the group.

Where am I going with this? I dont know.

I am who I am. But on the other hand, I dont like the fact Ourania is doing it too. Having said that, it would be hypocritical of me to push it on her but not hold the same expecation of myself. And as a parent, I have come to appreciate that the best way to teach my kids is through leading by example.

The teacher set up a program of doing different activities and assigning Ourania with a different partner each week. Thereby encouraging her to develop relationships with new people, and not become so attached to one person.

Hmmm... wait a second. My Spidey-senses are tingling. I have nagging feeling deep inside that this would be a good idea for me, too.

Thing is, that I have no problem meeting new people. It's that I am not good at participating in groups.

Damn, this is complicated. But simple, really.

Full circle... is this really a problem? Or am I anxious for nothing? Do I hold Ourania to the same?

At least I am aware and conscious of it now. And like GI Joe used say, "knowing is half the battle."

Moon River

2006-12-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, starring Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly and George Pepard as Paul Varjack.

I'm sad. Sad because I know that so much was possible, so much was attainable. It was there, for the taking. Holly says to Paul, dont ever attach yourself to a wildheart, because they'll just end up getting stronger and then run off into the woods, jumping to higher and higher trees. He wants to save her... he loves her because he wants to save her! Is that what you call love? He says that people need each other. He says that that's the only chance we get at true happiness.
What would you do if you were in Paul's place? What? I can tell you that I've been in his place. Pulling so goddammed hard at the woman I loved the most, tasting the chance for realizing the dream. Watching it all just slip through my fingers, like the tug-of-war rope that no matter how much you dig in your heels, no matter how much you pull with all your might... in the end, you've not got destiny on your side. You know you're going to lose... your fingers are aching and are going to fail. What's the use.

"No matter where you run to, you'll always just run into yourself", Paul says. True. True. But alas, only as true as I want to it be. The truth is I felt sorry for her. To this day, I still feel sorry for her. I feel obliged to help her every way I can. So you see no matter what I do, I'll always just run into myself. I'll keep running into myself as long as I keep perpetuating this pattern of wanting to save her.

I'm terrified I'll do the same for the next. I dont want a next, but I do want a next. Dammit, what am I going to do? Is the purpose of my life to just save? If it is, could that be so bad? I mean, wasnt Jesus' life dedicated to saving us? Am I supposed to serve my marriage like Jesus served the people, like Steve said? To be a lamb? To be sacrificed? Oh God, that doesnt sound very appealing. It's all so bloody confusing. There is an unrest in my soul, my very being, and I have not the wit to calm it. I have not the answers, but only more questions... more and more of them.

I've said that I can never trust her again, but the real problem is that I cant trust myself. And no matter where I run to, I'll just keep running into myself. I'm chicken. I'm chicken to stand up and fight. So it's just easier to run.

So for now, I run.

Take very good care, Kia... my Huckleberry friend. We were chasing rainbows together... to bad our ends of the rainbow took us in different directions. There's such a lot of world to see, indeed.

Album "Gasoline" by Artist - Theory of a Deadman

2006-11-29T11:42:00.004-08:00

First off, this album is not recommended for anyone looking for positive and uplifting messages. If you are currently suffering from depression, I dont recommend listening to it. It might just push you over the edge. Then again, maybe you'll listen to the words and realize, "hey wait a minute, I'm not the only one feeling this way!"

It's absolutely ideal if you have experienced a relationship gone bad. You'd think they wrote the words just for you. Hmmm, I better check to see if my room is bugged.

http://www.theoryofadeadman.com/

Although I like all the songs on this album, my personal fave tracks on this are: Santa Monica, Better Off, Hello Lonely, Me & My Girl and Since You've Been Gone.

I'd like to thank "Sal" for recommending this album to me. I am totally obsessing it now.

Album "1X" by artist - Three Days Grace

2006-11-29T11:42:00.003-08:00

This album is very dark. It allows you to feel comfortable with singing along to some pretty angry songs, which is very typical of this Canadian band.

My personal fave tracks are: Pain, Animal I Have Become, Never Too Late, Riot and Get Out Alive.

http://www.threedaysgrace.com/

Album "Wintersong" by artist - Sarah Mclachlan

2006-11-29T11:42:00.002-08:00

Please take this review with a grain of salt. You have to remember that Sarah Mclachlan is my all-time favourite musical artist. As far as I am concerned, Sarah can do noooooooo wrong. I'm a teency-weency biased.

Having said that, I had to say that I was hesitant on buying this album. When an artist puts out a XMas album, I tend to think that they are on the down-side of their career with a next stop to a smoky loung in Vegas.

I'd like to thank "S" very, very much for buying this CD for me. You are far braver than I, my friend!!! I am ever so thankful that you did, cuz this album is GREAT!

I have listened it over and over and over and over and... you get the point. It just gets better every time I listen to it.

Sarah picks the darker, more introspective XMas songs for this particular album, and I am just fine with that. It goes back to her darker roots, not referring to her hair, of course.

If you are a Sarah fan like me, you will likely enjoy this album, too.

http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/

Excerpt from the novel - The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand

2006-11-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

I have been reading the classic novel by Ayn Rand, called The Fountainhead. The basic premise is that there are 2 young men who are architects - Peter Keating and Howard Roark. They both have very different outlooks on life and how it should be lived. They, along with the many other characters who orbit around them, add colour and insightful commentary on human nature and how this affects the condition of their own lives and, ultimately, that of mankind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountainhead

I find it to be a bit of a soap opera, BUT (and this is a big but), one that inspires or angers. It is a wonderful read and I have certainly come to identify with some of the characters for some of the wrong reasons. I also now aspire to emulate some of the qualities of the characters who maddened me.

I'd like to thank "L" for recommending this book to me. She told me that it changed her life, so as you could imagine, I had very little choice but to read it.

Here is the first of the excerpts I'd like to share with you...

"... If I found a job, a project, an idea or a person I wanted - I'd have to depend on the whole world. Everything has strings leading to everything else. We're all so tied together. We're all in a net, the net is waiting and we're all pushed into it by one single desire. You want a thing and it's precious to you. Do you know who is standing ready to tear it from your hands? You cant know, it maybe so involved and so far away, but someone is ready, and you're afraid of them all. And you cringe and you crawl and you beg and you accept them - just so they'll let you keep it. And look at whom you come to accept."

"I take the only desire one can really permit oneself. Freedom."

"To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing."

Stranger Than Fiction - movie review

2006-11-29T10:30:00.000-08:00

Last night, I saw the movie - Stranger Than Fiction, starring Will Ferrell. It has a very good supporting cast, including Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman and Queen Latifah.

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/strangerthanfiction/index.html

I wanted to write this review last night, but I have to tell you that this movie is challenging both intellectually and emotionally. I tried very much to pay attention to the nuances and subtle, albeit, deep messages, that it posed. It took me overnight to properly digest and reveal my feelings about it.

Just this process is enough for me to recommend this movie.

If you are thinking this will be a "slapstick comedy", because it stars Will Ferrell, it is most certainly not. It is quite the opposite, but it has incredibly subtle humour that makes you lightly laugh at the absurdity of it.

The premise is that the main character - IRS agent Harold Crick, hears his life being narrated inside his head. It concerns him, so he is referred to a literature professor at the local university - played by Dustin Hoffman. btw - the narrator inside his head is a fiction-writer, played by Emma Thompson. Along the way, he falls head-over-heals in love with a woman he is auditing.
It's a wonderfully puzzling entanglement that takes some time to fully appreciate.

What I took away from this was that we all have a "narrator" inside of us that is telling us what to do. Of course, we dont actually hear the narrator, but he / she is there guiding our daily, often mundane existence. I can certainly relate to this, and it inspires me to be more conscious of missing "living my life" because of blind, unconscious, familiar and safe routine.

For example, Harold is auditing a woman who owns a bakery. Though he is very attracted to her at first sight, his inner routine and embedded code of ethics keep him from telling her how really feels about her. Sensing this, she offers him some cookies she baked just for him, but he refuses, out of sense of duty to his job. But really, it is a blind following of his inner narrator. The point of this is that we so often get caught up in daily routines that are so deeply embedded within that we tragically miss the opportunities for happiness that are standing right in front of us.

There are so many other messages this movie gave me, but going into them all would be a bit impractical, and then not much left to surprise if you were planning on seeing it.

At the end of the movie, I felt at tear roll down one cheek. It touched me that much.

PS - I'd like to thank "V" for recommending this movie to me. You were right, it is a 9 out of 10.