Closure

So here I am, lying in bed after breaking up with Bela, yet again. This time was very different, though. Previously, I broke up with her out of blind rage. There was no discussion, just reaction. This time, I was determined to talk it through with her. And I did. And at the end, I could see the look in her eyes that told me how she was really feeling. She didnt have to tell me anything... I knew it was over.

Then again, I knew it was over a while ago... I was just too scared to be by myself and I also felt bad for the impulsive, angry way I ended it before. I felt like this was my chance at a do-over... I really wanted to have this talk with her before. But we just avoided it. We avoided the inevitable, maybe to avoid the pain of saying good bye and the fear of being alone... and the fear of the unkown.

I'm not feeling much emotion, at the moment, as I did before. I am scared about not being able to sleep, like I have been lately. I'll say my prayers and deal with whatever happens next. God, please take mercy on my soul. I really hope I handled things well, this time. Did I?

This wasnt going to get any better. It was so obvious it was going to get worse. We are good together in some ways, but then bad together in other ways... ways too important to ignore and sober up to the realities of. Sometimes things are inexplicable and we try to fight them, like we think that if we just put the effort in, we can make it into something we so desparately want or need. We were never going to be what each other needed. In that way, she is right... we cannot be something that we are not.

She said that I was too needy. I know I can be. I know I need re-assurance and my ego stroked occasionally. Dont we all need that, sometimes? Like she said, she is not that type of person to sugarcoat. She is rough and realistic and I am an overly-sensitive dreamer. That is definitely not a good match. I need someone a little more soothing and gentle. I always felt like I had to have my guard up with her, and that is not good. When my guard is up, I get more defensive. How can I accommodate you if you cannot accommodate me?

She said that no matter what woman I go out with, there will always be obstacles. It wont matter if she has kids, has no kids, has younger kids or adult kids. I agree, in that sense. But where we differ is that she has a take it or leave it attitude and I dont. To her, there is no such thing as compromise. You either accept the person as-is, or you dont. For me, couples need to be able to work on things. A successful partnership is hard-work... it takes teamwork. It means both sides accommodate and be flexible. It means you try to understand each other and make adjustments, when that understanding is in place. I could never understand why she just couldnt tell me the problems she had with me. Now I do.

Maybe I am a dreamer. But at least I am willing to try. I said to her that the guy she once told me about is out there. She once told me that she never got that guy because she never put it out into the universe, that she wanted it. Well when I asked her about that again today, she said she would never get it. So to me that means she is going to settle for me, since she cant get what she really wants. That means she'll never really be happy with me. And if she's not really happy with me, she wont put in the effort.

And you know what, I've been seeing that lack of effort from her towards me for the last couple of months. It was so obvious. The first few months, we talked on the phone a few times a day. There were lots of emails. We saw each other a regular basis. We slept over at each other's homes. That wasnt a dream. I remember it all very clearly. And I missed it terribly. I still do. The sad thing is I dont think I'll ever experience that again with her, even if we stayed together.

It wasnt right for us to continue on this way. We had a hard time letting go, she and I, because we do love each other. The emotions got the better of us. And why not. We both gave it 100% right from the very start. We threw everything we had it. We both rushed it, but hey, that's our style. We both got carried away by the thrill of the moment. We both felt that euphoria and wanted it to be right, so badly.

This is shame that it didnt work out. We had a chemistry that was cosmic. When we made love, it's like we were on another planet. God, I really hope I can experience this again with someone else.

Thank you Bela, for coming into my life and loving me so much. For teaching me things I use in my daily life. Thank you for being patient with me, when I didnt deserve your extra chances. There is much about you I dont like and many things that happened that displeased me and I wont forget those either.

Good bye, for now.

Chris.