My Roots, My Self

I now understand the importance of getting to know my own heritage.

In her book The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., says: "If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life."

Now that I am back living with my parents, I feel this wonderful sense of opportunity at a "second chance." When I left home the first time, I felt like I was running away. I felt like there was a lot of unresolved feelings, especially with my father. He had wanted me to move out for a good many years, while my mother wanted me to stay as long as possible. I felt torn because for many years, I was my mother's protector and support system.

But I also felt like I wanted to move on with my life and begin a journey to discover myself. I had only ever thought of myself in terms of the "we" and had little counter-balance in terms of thinking of myself as an "I." So what did my "peeps" do?

Sunday, December 9 - My first history lesson.

I asked my mother and father many questions. I asked them about their parents, their grandparents, their siblings, etc. I wanted to know about their relationships and the family environments they grew up in, and what they saw and what their major influences were. This is what Lerner talks about when she refers to "... the forces that shaped our parents' lives as they shaped ours... When do not know these things, we do not know the self."

My Mother was raised from infancy to age 6 by her grandparents, in another village far away from her parents. Her parents came to visit her, now and again. I asked her why she was raised by them, especially considering that her mother was a housewife. She did not know why. There has to be more to it than that, but I did not want to press too hard. It may be too painful a topic to discuss.

She remembers her grandparents as being very kind, caring and generous. They would show their affections by showering her with gifts. She was virtually an only child, though her grandparents did have a 16 year-old son... though he wasnt around much. Oddly enough, this sounds very much like my situation.

My mother went back to work a few weeks after I was born. Maternity leave was not an option back then, though I still wonder she didnt stay home with me. My father had a good job that paid well. During the week, she told me that I stayed with a babysitter, and that they would pick me up on the weekends. This happened for a about a year, then she quit her job to stay home with me.

My brother was 12 years my senior and I dont remember him all that well. He wasnt around a whole lot. Most of what I know is from photos and my parents' recollections. When I asked him about what he remembered, he said that it was too long ago, and that he had forgotten. Though it was 35 years ago, I found that a bit strange, since he was a teenager at the time. I have lots of memories from my teen-age years.

My grandfather was quite a "Don Juan", according to my mother. He was well-dressed and had the finer-things-in-life. My grandmother came from a wealthy, aristocratic family. This seemed to pay for the high-life that my grandfather was living. He worked the fields of the vineyards he inherited and he also was a life insurance agent. It seems that he was a very enterprising man.

He would also socialize a lot, with and without my grandmother. He had many personal interests and activities, among which included cavorting around town and going out for drinks with the local gentry.

As my mother described her father, I could very much see the resemblances to the man she married - my father. My father is very enterprising and inventive man. He moved to the big city when he was 16 and never looked back. He worked hard in an apprenticeship and became quite skilled in his trade. He was also well-dressed and became a man-about-town, in his own right. He told me the story of when he invited his then 18-year-old sister to the city, and subsequently bought her an expensive dress and purse, and took her around town. That was one of my aunt's fondest memories of her youth.

When they came to Canada, my father was hard-working and industrious. He had a great mind for inventions and was always looking for ways to do things better. He started his own DJ business in 1973. He was quite successful in this endeavour, and was away a good many weekends, partying the nights away.

He was also a good drinker, though I dont recall him being a drunken-slob. He was always well-dressed, very out-going and would go out many nights, drinking with his buddies from work. During this time as well, he managed to have a long-standing affair with one woman. For the record, when I questioned him as to why he did that, he said: "it is easier for a woman to get a man, and not easy for a man to get woman... because women have what a man wants, so they have the upper-hand."

I take this to mean that in his loneliness, he was desparate not to miss any opportunities for happiness. In some ways, I can relate to this feeling. Deep down I think I married Kia because I was worried that she would be the best I could ever do. She was pretty and out-going and seemed very self-confident and self-assured. I felt like how many times in my life would I get this chance.

My mother met my father in the refugee camp, in Austria in 1957. Here was this handsome, well-dressed and self-confident guy that was able to bolster her own self-esteem and calm her fears of life of loneliness and maybe abandonment. It seems to me that maybe she was a bit desparate and hard-up, especially in the incredibly uncertain times of the war-ridelled Europe.

I dont ever seems to recall my father saying anything terribly romantic about my mother, though over the years he did many acts of romance... like flowers, expensive dinners, world-travels, cars, furs, etc. But in all his recollections of the old-days, I dont ever recall him saying that he was head-over-heels in love with my mother or that she was the only one for him or that it was love at first-sight. His seemed to carry more of a pragmatic view of their relationship, rather than one of great love and romance.

I asked him about his parents, and what he remembered about their marriage and his family-life. Oddly enough, the first thing he said was that it was "not overly-romantic or lovey-dovey." He also said that his was would be the one to spank him. I found it a bit odd that those would be the first things that came to his mind about from his childhood memories. Although, I did find it interesting that he did come with some more memories, and we has like a little child, excited to tell me about his father was really involved with them, doing many fun activities with he and his brother and sister. He remembered how his father would take him to church on Sundays and his mother would be at home preparing a nice family meal. His parents would take the kids out to the local pub for a family meal, as well.

I can defintely see a few similarities in my marrige, to those of the marriages in my family history.

My marriage was not terribly romantic or overly lovey-dovey. I would go to work and come home, and for the most part, would want to just talk a bit or to just spend some time on my own... on the computer or watching TV or reading a book. And when the kids came along, I would spend a lot of time with them, after work and dinners. Meal-time was usually quiet and uneventful.

Now that I have been out of the marriage for a while, I find myself doing those romantic and fun things that were atypical for me. I took dancing lessons, I took a course about wine-tasting, I rode the motorcycle a lot, I had developed a network of many new friends, I was dating a few women and actually enjoying the dating process. I bought myself some new clothes and I remade my image.

My best friend - Joe, commented, that soon after I broke up with Kia, "the old Chris came back." That comment really got me to thinking. The man I was in marriage was quite opposite to the man I was outside of marriage. It's like I was two different people.

My rendition of marriage was more a pragmatic arrangement. We were there to support each other, to make sure we were taken care of. We were to have children, build a nest, get old and live out the last years of our lives together... all-the-time never being alone. Happiness and love were sentimentally nice, but unworthy of the effort. So, little effort was made to achive them. Most of the effort and emotion was put into the more practical, every-day considerations, like: the rent, careers, education, mortgages, renovations, children, preparing meals and personal health.

In short, I saw myself going down the same path as my parents and their parents before them. I developed a subconcious fear of living out the rest of my days like generations gone before. Moreover, I was afraid that I was going to be this other guy, whom I didnt want to be, till my death.

Some important other familial influences were: my brother, my aunt and her son - my cousin. My brother lived much the same way as my parents. He would work a lot, and when he came home he would watch TV, read a book or smoke outside, on his own. Soon after his marriage and birth of his first child, his wife had an affair and temporarily moved out. I even remember him moving back home for a few days. The rest of his life, from what I could see, was characterized by an on-again / off-again marriage with infidelity on both parts, 5 children with incredibly rebellious stages, and an incredibly choppy relationship with my parents.

I remember my aunt being this sickly woman, who smoked a ton and was always complaining about her health and practically being house-ridden. I remember my uncle being quite the opposite. Like my father, was hard-working, resourceful, tough and very outgoing. Unlike my father, I did not see him with vices like alcohol or other woman or being a playboy. Though he did seem to always boast about his jewelery. My mother gave me the impression that they were a terrible match, and that now his current girlfriend (my aunt died many years ago), holds a similar disposition to him. The eery thing about it is that she bares an uncanny resemblance to my aunt. And, she had been in love with my uncle from when she was 14 years-old. After a lifetime apart, here they were together... like tow peas-in-a-pod.

So what did I learn from this? All the marriages that I could reference in my family history, seemed to be characterized by a lack of love and overall happiness. It's like the people in them were satisfied with the status quo. They accepted mediocrity and strove for no better. Instead of trying to achieve some semblance of marital bliss, they survived on outside vices and influences... my mother's father and my father with their Don-Juan lifestyles and drinking, my grandmothers and mother with their good-little housewife routines, staying home and cooking meals and remaining obedient to their husbands' needs. My uncle had his jewelery and cars and my brother had his tv and cigarettes.

And me? I had my career, motorcyles, TV, golf, magazines and books and the computer. Now, I have even more interests and distractions. Sometimes I feel like I am running away from the unhappiness, and filling in the time.

I have struggled with the question who-am-I. Am I the boring, married guy or am I the fun-loving, playboy type? In the last few years I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have inherited these extremes from the previous generations. I must now judge for myself what I consider to be right or wrong for my life.

I want to live my life somewhere in the middle. I want to do all the fun things in life, as an individual and as a lover. I want to be a good father to my children. I want to be a good son and brother. And I want to be a good worker with a promising.

NOW I understand why my nickname is Mr. Middleman! It's all so clear now. Deep down, it was inside of me along. I know who I was and where I came from, but also now where I want to go and who I want to be.