??????????????? Help.

Ok, so I am not sure just exactly how I am feeling right now. Of course, it works well for me to just start typing and find my way. It's being lost in the woods and not sure which way to turn next. There are feelings of fear, anger, stress and hope... all mixed up into one.

I didnt get the girls tonight. Though it had been planned, Kia decided that she wasnt comfortable with them sleeping at my parents' home. She is not comfortable with them being here. This is just ridiculous. My parents love the girls and would do anything for them or me. I have no concerns with them being here. I love them dearly and only want the best for them.

As a result, I found myself with a free night. This is not what I expected or what I was looking forward to. I was driving down to the house to pick the girls up, when Kia phoned me and broke the news to me. I tried very hard not to get angry, since I have to be strong and not show my disappointment. But, it's not easy. I am disappointed and hurt. They're my kids, too. What right does she have to keep them away from me... to make the rules up. I know she's their mother, but come on. I am just as important as she is to the children.

I dont know why she is doing this. Is she out to get me? What? All I know is that it hurts, and there is very little I can do about it. Do I go to court? Do I go to war with her? It all seems so pointless and hurtful. I dont want any part of that. I love my kids but I wont be drawn into a fight. That's just not me. And if it means I dont get to see them as much, then I have to do what is best for me. I wont let myself be manipulated and blackmailed by her.

Like the song says: "You are the lock, you are the key... you are the master of your destiny".

I just have to get used to the fact that this is not going to be easy. For the most part, things have been going well with our seperation. But underneath it all, there is unresolved hurt and pain... for all of us. We try to pretend that we can just move on with our lives, as though nothing has happened... that we can just pretend to be happy-go-lucky, with not a care in the world.

I am concerned about the girls. I know this cant be good for them. It just cant be. Ourania told the teacher yesterday that her mother cut her with a knife. Needless to say, the teacher was very concerned. So was I, but I dont believe she was telling the truth. The school called in Catholic Children's Aid to investigate. I dont blame them. I would have done the same thing. But there is more to this and I believe it relates to our seperation.

Yesterday, I asked Ourania how she felt about Mummy and Daddy not being together anymore. She said it made her happy. Happy? How could that be. No one is happy about this. That comment told me that she is not able to tell the truth. She is probably afraid to tell me the truth, for fear of hurting my feelings and possibly jeopardizing her parents taking care of her. She has a very simplistic view of the world, in which she needs to have her loved ones take care of her... she needs to make us good... so she twists her feelings.


This really sucks! I know it is happening and I dont know what to do. I know I cannot be with Kia anymore. It's over. Even if I thought for a second about getting back together with her, I can never trust her again. There's just no way. Which is really sad, because I would have done anything for her. And I tried my best, but there was no way she was going to let me get close to her. She's all about keeping a comfortable distance... not letting me get too close. It was her parents who taught her that, by their own example of a terrible marriage and divorce. It was her damned father who left the country and virtually abandoned her. It was her mother that abandonded her in their home with her crazy brother.

This is not about me. I am tired of always taking the blame. I am tired of beating myself up for this. I tried. I tried. Please God, I tried. I gave her 10 good years. I did everything she asked of me, and it still wasnt good enough. I was 100% faithfull and still it wasnt good enough. God, why did things have to turn out this way? I know everything happens for a reason, but this, this... just makes me shake my head.

God, please let everything be ok with the girls. Please do Your will with us. I am sure you what is best and right for us. I put my faith and trust in you, to make us all happy and give us what we need.

Thanks!

Love Chris.