Moon River

I just finished watching the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, starring Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly and George Pepard as Paul Varjack.

I'm sad. Sad because I know that so much was possible, so much was attainable. It was there, for the taking. Holly says to Paul, dont ever attach yourself to a wildheart, because they'll just end up getting stronger and then run off into the woods, jumping to higher and higher trees. He wants to save her... he loves her because he wants to save her! Is that what you call love? He says that people need each other. He says that that's the only chance we get at true happiness.
What would you do if you were in Paul's place? What? I can tell you that I've been in his place. Pulling so goddammed hard at the woman I loved the most, tasting the chance for realizing the dream. Watching it all just slip through my fingers, like the tug-of-war rope that no matter how much you dig in your heels, no matter how much you pull with all your might... in the end, you've not got destiny on your side. You know you're going to lose... your fingers are aching and are going to fail. What's the use.

"No matter where you run to, you'll always just run into yourself", Paul says. True. True. But alas, only as true as I want to it be. The truth is I felt sorry for her. To this day, I still feel sorry for her. I feel obliged to help her every way I can. So you see no matter what I do, I'll always just run into myself. I'll keep running into myself as long as I keep perpetuating this pattern of wanting to save her.

I'm terrified I'll do the same for the next. I dont want a next, but I do want a next. Dammit, what am I going to do? Is the purpose of my life to just save? If it is, could that be so bad? I mean, wasnt Jesus' life dedicated to saving us? Am I supposed to serve my marriage like Jesus served the people, like Steve said? To be a lamb? To be sacrificed? Oh God, that doesnt sound very appealing. It's all so bloody confusing. There is an unrest in my soul, my very being, and I have not the wit to calm it. I have not the answers, but only more questions... more and more of them.

I've said that I can never trust her again, but the real problem is that I cant trust myself. And no matter where I run to, I'll just keep running into myself. I'm chicken. I'm chicken to stand up and fight. So it's just easier to run.

So for now, I run.

Take very good care, Kia... my Huckleberry friend. We were chasing rainbows together... to bad our ends of the rainbow took us in different directions. There's such a lot of world to see, indeed.